Friday, October 06, 2006

the circle of life?

I have been wondering if everyone else wrestles with the differences between who they are and who they should be. This is certainly a struggle for me.
The words aren't coming out own their own like they usually do. I'm doing this for my own benefit. I feel better when I've verbalized things.

Okay, here goes: As I get closer to God, He changes me, and that makes perfect sense because He is perfect and I am not and He knows what I can and should be and He nudges me in that direction. So, rationally, all makes sense. But, I do not usually react rationally. This big, angry part of me is screaming inside that He said He loves me completely, why do I have to change? I'm afraid that I'll lose who I am in becoming what He wants me to be. And I'm happy. I don't want to be better, that takes work, and I'm tired and lazy and scared. I just want to be me and be loved for who that is and it wears me down to continually feel the need to work on my character, to try to be more compassionate, more generous, more loving, more forgiving, more diligent, more. . . and every time, every single time, I give up completely and walk away and ignore God until I can't anymore. Because no matter what I do I spend my days thinking about how I haven't talked to Him today, even though He is right next to me, nay, inside of me. I feel guilty because I didn't go to church, because I didn't want to go to church. I feel angry because I shouldn't have to feel guilty about what I choose to do. I feel like a liar because I'm walking around pretending to myself that I don't need God, pretending I feel okay inside, and pretending to everyone else that I'm the same today as I was when my heart was on fire for God. I don't know how to be Sarah without Him.

And even now, being in this place, I know that I have been here before, and that it will pass. But I still feel like I'm lost forever and I don't know how to get back. And I don't know how I can be so sure some days and so doubtful other days. And I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I always feel that everyone else must know something I don't know, and that's why I stumble along.

I just wish I could see His face and ask Him all my questions and really feel His arms around me. But for today, I am sticking to my secret, silent protest.
(every relationship has its quarrels, right?)

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