Saturday, July 17, 2004


My face will hardly ever tell you how I really  feel. I don't always tell the truth. I've learned the art of lying. I have met a few people that could see past my facade. No, they actually put forth the effort to really look at me, and I let them see me or maybe just for a moment.  But tonight I let her see that I was mad, and I didnt tell her why. Maybe I should have told her, maybe I shouldnt have. I told her before when she made me mad. She did it agian. The same thing. So I didnt tell her agian. I told her that when she did this thing, I felt this way. She did this thing, and now I feel this way, and I wont tell her why again. If she doesnt care enough about me to even remember not to do the thing that makes me mad or even that it makes me mad, then Im not going to talk to her. I dont talk when Im mad. It takes some effort. Feels vulnerable to say why I feel the way I do. Makes me defensive. But I told her, once. She didnt earn the right from me to say it again. I will only talk to a person when Im mad if I trust them. If I think they will still like me even if I am mad at them, even if we dont like each other all the time. I dont like her. I dont want to talk to her anymore. Im sorry I ever did. This is me. Treat me better. Give me respect. Dont talk to me like that. Dont say it like that.  I want to say that to her. You are not better than me. No one will ever be better than me. No one is better than anyone else. We are equal here. YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME! DONT TREAT ME LIKE THAT! DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT! DONT DO THAT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE! STOP TRYING TO MAKE  ME FEEL INFERIOR! Just stop. I dont feel organized enought tonight to give you paragraphs. Im upset. Im mad. I was going to say something else and I lost it.  I dont remember anymore. Sigh. I dont like being upset. It is too much work.  Ah, I have to work early in the morning. Thanks for listening to me.

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