Thursday, July 08, 2004

I am just the moon.

Ugh! Can you believe I made a post just for work crap? Whats wrong with me? I think I need more of a life. I was trying not to complain anymore. I got tired of my own blue moods. Im feeling grey today. I don't know why. I keep trying to feel something but all the happy pink feelings just keep getting sucked into the growing black hole in my heart. Whats wrong with me? I dont know. I would like to pretend that he is the reason but that would be wrong and it would make me obsessive, which I am not. Its not him. (Why am I feeling guilty that my heart doesnt ache just for him?) Anyway. I've got some angry red emotions here. And some bleeding dark hurt ones too. Im not sure. Something fill me up with happiness again. I was there for a while today, earlier, and then the life got sucked right out of me again. I can be this anymore. This is not my job. My job is to be happy and make everyone else happy and hide my hurt in poetry. I don't want to write a poem. I want to cry, unashamed. I want to be held. I want to be loved completely, all of me. I want my religion back. I want God back. I need Jesus. That's it. This is what it is. This is what I have been running from. This is what I long for.

Everyday I run away from you is a day I am in pain. I need you. I deny you and my heart breaks. I ignore you and I cry. I disbelieve you and my soul is a void of nothing. All the light is sucked out of me when Im not with you because you were always my light. I am just the moon, reflecting you. I was never happy of myself. It was always you. It was always you. And I need you. Im sorry. I love you.

Wow. Just wow. This is me talking to myself. This is me thinking. Unedited Sarah. (Or right from the can, Tommy) Im afraid to show you this but, whatever. Ill never be loved if people only love the facade, right? Sigh. I feel all mellow now (and yellow too, this time.)

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