Monday, July 19, 2004

Hoping that you do, praying that you don't.

So much of me in these posts. So much of me could never be in these posts. Like that look I get on my face when you say it that way. Or how I'm afraid to look at you when you look at me that way.  Or even how I react when I read your comments, your IMs, your emails. How I react to you, here. No one could read this and know me completely. No one could know me completely and not read this. I am fragmented, hidden, cryptic. I am afraid to let anyone know me completely.
I contradict myself quite often. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I believe. I don't know what I want you to do, to say.  I said once to make me uncomfortable. I'm scared to death that you will, hoping that you do, praying that you don't, waiting for you to, running from you when you might.
"Whats going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior."- DC Talk
I should be somewhere that is not here, in front of this computer. My fingers should be on someone and not this keyboard. 
Touching is strange. I think there is more to touching than meets the eye.  (Please, I'm not talking about anything sexual.) Its like we share something when we touch one another.  We should always touch people we like. Why am I afraid to touch people? Oh, because I'm afraid of people touching me.
Well, I've got a petticoat to make.

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