Monday, February 20, 2006

The same nice to everyone

It happened again.

Of course, you don't know what "again" is because I've only discussed it with Ashley and Mom. So, I shall explain:

I seem not to be included in the category of single/looking/datable people. I'll be in a group of people, not the only single one, and someone will say about the OTHER single person, "we need to find you a nice girl/guy" (whatever their preference happens to be) No one ever says this about me. And it happened again today. And it just makes me feel hurt and confused. Do you not think I'd like to find a nice guy? Or that maybe no one would want to date me? Or that I'm not interested in relationships? Is something wrong with me? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I'm a "good girl"? I'm confused. Could someone please explain this to me? What is this barrier that separates me? I'm only left to draw the worst conclusions.

Its like, on the one hand, I think the fewer relationships, the better. I need to have faith that God has already chosen my future husband for me, and I need to be patient and wait on His time.Right now, God is making me the woman my future husband needs me to be, and He is making my future husband the man I need him to be. I don't want to gather all kinds of emotional baggage and I don't want to give away my purity in tiny doses to keep someone with me. God knows my heart better than I do, and He knows what I need. Everything around me tells me to be patient, faithful, wait on God, God always provides. And I don't want to lower my standards for the sake of dating.

On the other hand, how on earth will I ever marry anyone if I don't date them first. And I pretend it does not bother me that nearly every other girl I know has at least had one boyfriend. It really starts to eat away at my self-confidence. I have all these doubts. I feel like such a teenager. I feel like I am missing out on something. I feel inadequate.

I said all this to my mother. She told me that it seems like I'm not interested, that I've got other goals that don't include relationships. She said people probably assume that I don't want to date at this point in my life. She also said that I'm hard to read. That a guy would not know that I like him anyway, because I'm the same nice to everyone.

I usually feel better after talking to someone about it. And I'm not quite sure why I'm getting upset about all this right now. But I cant think of anything that would comfort me right now. I don't know how to tell people how I feel about them. I don't know how to say, "I like you. I enjoy spending time with you. I want to spend more time with you and get to know you better." and look that person in the face without fear and doubt in my eyes. I can't keep my insecurities from keeping me from everyone else.

How on earth do I tell him how I feel? And what if he doesn't feel the same? I'm afraid that he doesn't and that I would be so embarrassed and uncomfortable around him afterwards, always. But I'm more afraid that I'll always wonder, what if? How do I stop being "the same nice to everyone"?

But really, can someone please be painfully honest with me?

Sarah Jo


Ashes said...

Sarah, I'm always honest with you. It is an unspoken mutual agreement between us. I expect you to be honest with me and you expect the same from me. This is one of the reasons we have such a great friendship.

My responses to everything you have recently asked me about relationships has been the truth. It is also hard for me, I am in the same dilemma, and it is easiest to draw the worst conclusion. To doubt yourself and who you are will show on the outside, and all of your imperfections and insecurities will be hidden by nothing but a window.

I guess the best advice I have to offer is to live each day as Sarah. Don't compromise yourself for others. Live each day with confidence and Love. When in doubt put your faith in God!

I Love You!

Sarah Jo said...

Thanks ash.

Right now though, I feel that if I smiled, I would be lying to everyone. Because at this very moment, I'm not happy at all.

krissy said...

now granted, I never did spend as much time with you as I wanted. and granted, I haven't talked with you in a while. but I still read this blog, and you often do come up in my thoughts. and the reason is this: I have met few other women with such a simple and elegant faith in God. you have trusted Him up till now, and you will continue to do so. If you hurt, you don't turn to him in anger, you simply ask why. Such faith is never lost to Him, and just because He hasn't answered you yet doesn't mean He isn't looking down at you smiling because He knows what your reaction will be when He does.

Sarah Jo said...

Thanks so much. I, I really don't know how to say it better than that.