I was just reading another blog about all the things we used to do together. First, it made me smile and miss those days. I wanted to go back. But then I remembered all the hurts that happened between then and now and all the lessons I've learned and I don't want to do all that again. I mean, it HURT.
I miss the days when we would spend every night of the week together. Like we were all each others priority. And now. . . now I don't feel like a priority. More like an habit, I guess. It's so complicated and full of layers and just not easy anymore.
But I remember when we laughed and laughed. I remember sunshine and late nights and silliness. We can't go back. We aren't those people anymore. But maybe we can go forward. Maybe we can try again.
I remember talking with Jeremy and Krystal about it before it was over. Krystal and I would say that we were sad that it would have to end. That one day it would be over. And Jeremy couldn't understand why we were upset. Couldn't see the end looming there in the unknowable future. It came sooner than I thought. Things got all complicated. Why do things always get complicated?
I don't like the way thinking about it makes me feel. I'm going to think about something different now.
My bike ride today. The sunshine and the power of my feet against the pedals. The wind and the trees and the hum of my tires against the pavement. The power in my hands. The pull of my muscles. The racing of my heart. I missed it so.
I spent some time with Jeremy today after my bike ride and then I met Sarah for dinner. She invited me to come visit her in Columbus for a night of irresponsibility and I think I will. As soon I get a weekend off. And Jeremy said he would go to Chicago with me for the Jay Brannan show. Now I'm excited about both of these things.
Warm weather and sunshine make me feel lighter and more care free. Like the winter months are blocks of ice weighing on my shoulders and they are finally, finally melting. I hate the cold. I hate the gray sky's and dormant, dead things. The color of the whole world is off. It isn't bright enough. And it hurts to be outside. My skin doesn't like the temperature. I shiver.
And I can't find anything as satisfying as my heart pounding to keep up as my muscles work to push and pull me along. Dragging me up a hill. Sweat collecting in the fabric of my shirt. It is just so SATISFYING.
In other news. I didn't tell you this but I went on a date before. Weeks ago. And he kissed me. Did I say this here? And well, it was nice. But he was a stranger. And I didn't see him again after the first date. But it makes me want to kiss someone I care about. It makes me want to experience a different kind of racing heart. It just makes me even more impatient.
I say this all the time.
I have become this adventurous, impatient, bold, sometimes inappropriate and shocking, joyful, open-minded, experimenting, active, sexually aware, impulsive, blunt person. I am other things, of course. And some of those things I have always been. But I wonder how much of that was the weight loss and how much is from new friends and new experiences or if the two are hopelessly interrelated. But I like all these things. Even though sometimes I make bad choices and sometimes I get hurt in the process. This thing I'm doing, living, it is so much better than hiding in my room and reading about adventures fictional people are having. Because that is what I did before.
My adventures may be tame things like bike rides and hikes and occasionally drinking too much and baking things with friends and dancing, but at least they are MINE. These days are making me.
Oh! I thought of something I wanted to say earlier. I had so much fun in those days when every single day was with the same three people, but now I know that wasn't healthy. That isn't being fair to my other friends. And when you spend all your time and energy one place, it is a REALLY BIG DEAL when that one thing isn't going so well. But if I spend my time with Ashley, Ashley, Christine, Dennnis, Jaylene, Jeremy, Johnna, Katy, Krystal, Nika, Paul, Rachel, Robbie, Sarah, Sarah, and whoever else, it isn't so bad when one relationship isn't going so well. I have other people to turn to. They'll listen and it won't feel like my whole freaking world is falling apart. Because I know that feeling. It isn't often true, but it is hard to keep that perspective when everyday is nothing but the one group. It feels safe. It feels predictable and reliable and fulfilling. But when its over, it hurts much much too much. And I don't want anymore much, much too much.
I want to be on my bicycle. I want to be hiking on a trail in the sunshine. I want to be all sweaty and too hot and thirsty and even a little sore. That is when I feel good. Of course, I'll take the other kid of racing heart activities too.