Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sorry I wasnt very exciting tonight.

I'm unhappy. Its not like a state of being but rather an emotion I'm experiencing right now. I'm unhappy. I would say that I'm mad but mostly its hurt and disappointed and mad just seems to be the defense mechanism to cover up the wounds of hurt and disappointed without actually fixing anything. So I'm trying not to be mad. I'm trying to just fix the hurt and disappointed.

Before, my ideas about how to fix hurt and disappointed were to take away the opportunities for future hurt. But that means putting distance between myself and others. That is safety and that is loneliness too. I don't want to do that anymore.

Most of the time I am pretty easily "fixed" when I'm upset. I just need to know that the other person didn't mean to hurt me. I just need to know that they care enough to want to fix it. But in this situation, the other person doesn't seem to care at all that I'm hurt and they did it. And that hurts worse. Now what do I do? Am I supposed to stay friends? Because I don't know how to let this go without some kind of confrontation. Without some kind of resolution.

Instead of it getting better with time, I'm feeling worse. I'm no actress and its wearing me out to pretend to be okay when really I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. At least I can type it here. At least I can be honest right here. Because I don't want to show what I'm feeling to people who aren't responsible for the problem. What can they do about it? And the person who is responsible doesn't care. So I feel like a liar and I'm not very good at that.

I want to be treated with respect. Like an adult. I want to be given the opportunity to decide how to react instead of having others decide what I would do, draw the wrong conclusion, and avoid me. I want to have relationships with people who want to talk to me and see me as frequently as I want to talk to them and see them. I want to be able to give my friends equal amounts of attention without suspicion. I want to spend time in groups and time in pairs because I think people change depending on who else is in the room. Mostly, I want reciprocity.

So I'm not happy right now. Its like a bug bite I just can't scratch. Its not the end of the world. Its not even a big deal. But I don't like disharmony. I don't like conflict, even if its just within myself. I just want it to be fixed, one way or another, so I can go back to worrying about something else.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm not happy either. Not now, nor for the last 17 years of my life. It's a feeling that never goes away. It's something that suppresses any sense of joy or excitement in situations where others might experience those feelings.

I also want to enjoy relationships with other people. I want those relationships to be such that the other person is as excited to know me, be with me, enjoy my company as I am to know them, be with them and enjoy their company.

I hope both of us get there soon.

~ R