Sunday, October 10, 2010

So, if you wanna be with me, you have to follow through with every word you say.

My roommate and I were talking about the times we have called off work. The last time I called off work was to take my my to the hospital because she was overdosing. I think that was in February. It snowed. My brother wouldn't come with me. I sat at the hospital and cried and texted my friends until my head hurt so much I thought I would get sick myself.

Finally, I left. Because my dad and my brother would not come. And she was out of it. And she was going to be okay.

I went to Jeremy's house. I almost wrecked my car on the way there. Because of the snow and the tears. He listened to me. He distracted me. But he had to work in the morning so I left soon after.

Sometimes memories change when you look back on them. My whole world was a place full of uncertainty and being treated with disrespect, or complete disregard, where a part of my everyday life. It made me cling to things that seemed good to me. Made me want them in an unhealthy way.

But my whole life has changed. That girl who wrote blogs last year, two years ago, longer- all strangers. Sometimes having bad things happen in your life helps you see the good things better. Makes you appreciate the better days. And the bad things can make you stronger. A better person. But too much bad can make unhealthy things seem good, in comparison. Too much bad starts to break you down and warp your personality.

I have a small panic moment every time I get a voice-mail and I can't see who it was from. I have nightmares about terrible things happening. Because, even now, I can't comprehend that some terrible thing isn't about to happen. That everything is good. And life's horrors are all about rainy days and disappointed plans.

I think the point I'm trying to make is this:

There are things that used to seem good to me. And behaviors that I put up with, or even appreciated before. But now these things aren't okay. And I'm not going to keep the not-so-bad in my life when I have so much GOOD now.

I've had enough.
Now let's see if I can follow through.

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