Sometimes things seem better in the morning. But it still hurts. I was thinking about it even in my dreams.
My parents make me cry. It isn't the drug abuse, the irresponsibility, or the mixed-up priorities that bother me. Those things suck, yes, but the things that bother me the most are the ones that show a complete lack of respect for me as a person, as their daughter. The things that show me they don't value me at all. Drugs are more important that me. Drugs are more important than my feelings or well-being or our relationship. Those things hurt the most. They make me feel like it is more than "they don't value me" but "I don't have value." Because they see me better than any other human beings, right? They know me better than anyone. If they don't value me, I must not HAVE value.
So a big part of my life has been trying to be the best kind of person I can be. Maybe if I'm nice and good and smart and healthy and honest and loving enough, I'll have value. I'll be more important to someone. When given the choice, someone will choose ME.
But it feels like I keep learning that I am, in fact, not worth it. I have so many people in my life that are there for me when I finally ask for help. So many people that love me and value me and make me feel like a person worth loving. Why why why do I believe the negative messages more? Why do I keep people in my life that keep telling me with words, actions, silences, and looks that I'm not worth respect and consideration?
I don't know how to stop.
I don't know how to stop that little twinge of excitement when I get a text from him.
I don't know how to stop looking forward to the next time I get to see him.
How to say no when he invites me over.
How to stop asking him to do things with me.
To not care so much when he says something even remotely nice.
To not care so much when he hurts me.
I don't know how to turn off the part of my brain that randomly thinks about him.
I don't know how to feel like I have power in the relationship.
I don't know how to speak up and stop forgiving him every time he hurts me.
I don't know how to stop feeling jealous.
I don't know how to not love who he is.
I don't know how to forget that he doesn't feel any of these things for me.
I'm going to have to learn.