Relationships are hard. Obvious statement, I know. But I feel like I just keep having to learn that.
I have to stop this pattern I've let myself get into. The pattern where I avoid confrontation like it is going to kill me and eventually let relationships fall apart because I'm unhappy and never let the other person know.
I'm trying. But initiating a conversation like that makes my heart race. Nearly every time I try, I back down immediately and try to end the conversation as soon as possible. Escape. Say whatever it is that will make this go away. Right now.
Last night I tried. And I'm so horrible at it. I was grateful that he is patient and listens better than anyone I know. That when I stared at the wall and fidgeted and started sentences I didn't end, he waited silently for me to find my words. Waited long enough for me to string some together. Let me tell him about everything. Not just what just happened, but all the little things before it. Let me tell him about how I just wanted to leave. Let me cry. I needed him to be quiet for me while I did that and he was.
And then he said the right things. And then he hugged me.
I know it isn't all magically fixed now, but I feel better. Because if things don't get better, at least I tried. And I got some practice at talking. And now I know that it feels better than pretending. Even though it is much, much harder.