I was leaving a comment and that word appears to me like the answer in a magic 8 ball to a question I didn't know I was asking. It said "untri" but to my eyes it was one side of a floating pyramid and it said "un-try".
My question: What else can I do? No matter what I do, I just keep messing stuff up.
Stop trying to be so many things and just be. Like Ashley said, I can't force myself into feeling things. I keep trying that. Beating my own heart with a hammer. It just adds guilt and feelings of failure to the mix. I can't do it. When I say I'm going to stop and I just can't. I can't.
Sometimes he says the most insensitive things and doesn't even know it. And sometimes he does know it. And I care too much so that I read too much into what he does or doesn't say. That isn't fair. I can't win an argument with him and sometimes when I leave I feel angry and hurt and insecure. Sometimes I have to rewind the day to see if it really was a good night or not. And it's hard inviting him to hang out with my friends because he always has something bad to say about them. He is pessimistic (he would say realist) and I'm optimistic. And he is usually right. He keeps pointing out things that are wrong with me and it sucks because they are true. I feel like I'm spending too much time trying to figure out what the hell he wants and I wish he would just tell me because I also feel like I am always, always disappointing him in ways I could never anticipate.
But he makes me feel like he sees who I really am and not just the happy, fluffy version other people see. He is smart and complex in a way that makes me want to keep figuring him out. He challenges me. Makes me want to be wilder and stronger and more assertive and more daring. He always smells nice, even when he is smoking. He says the most shocking things and I like that. He doesn't try to be like everyone else. He is so strong. Strong in character. He doesn't waver. He knows what he wants and to me it seems he controls the atmosphere in the room. The direction of the conversation. Strong physically. I see his muscles moving under his skin and I know that I can't win in his fake-fighting matches. I have no chance. He is fast and clever and just strong. And I find that really attractive. I like arguing with him. It's fun. And sometimes the way he looks at me makes my heart race and my hands shake. Every once in a while I'll get a glimpse of the parts of him that aren't strong and that makes me respect him even more. Makes him more real. He is silly and caring and fun. The best listener. Beautiful voice. And I really think he wants to be good, even when he says he wants to be bad.
Boring for you to read, I understand.
But how I tell you the good things? I call my friends when my feelings are hurt and I need someone to talk to. But I don't need anyone to talk to when I'm driving home and I can't stop smiling even though I'm all alone now. I don't need to tell about his witty text messages or how he says exactly the right thing. So its a skewed view. I can't even tell you when I'm scared because I thought I was perfectly okay with just-friends feelings and then he looks at me like that and well, I like it. Even when it hurts. Because I want to be looked at that way.
And now he is leaving. I'm sure it will eventually be a welcome relief to not have to force myself to only feel and think about certain things. He'll be gone. I'll forget about it for days at a time. Maybe weeks.
But for today, it feels very much like losing my friend. Because I worry too much. And no amount of promises about the future will make me feel better. Promises are garbage. Hope is a knife. The future is always too far away. I'm just here, today. And today he said he is going away.