Monday, May 31, 2010

Because I really, really love you. But you really, really hurt me.

So... I got my feelings hurt today. That phrase sounds so innocent, like someone called me a name on the playground. But it wasn't that. It was like someone saying, "You don't really matter to me" but with actions. And that sucks.

First, I pretended I was perfectly fine. He didn't know it happened. Just breezed right through to the rest of the story. I felt like someone hit me and I wasn't supposed to wince. My normal reaction is to pretend to be okay and then leave as soon as possible without actually letting the other person know I was upset. If they find out that I'm upset then we might have to TALK about it and that would be horrible. So I kept smiling and tried to attend the conversation while this voice in my head was saying, "Don'tcryuntilyougethome. Don'tcryuntilyougethome. Figureouthowtoleave. Keepsmiling. DON'TCRYUNTILYOUGETHOME!" Oh. I'm supposed to laugh at what he just said. Oh. My smile isn't convincing; he is looking at me funny.

Then I come to the horrible realization that it is going to be hours and hours before it is acceptable for me to leave without suspicion. And I can't do that. So I told him he hurt my feelings. And he apologized. And it wasn't good enough for me. I didn't feel better at all. I did a horrible job explaining just how much it sucked. I said one sentence and now he doesn't understand. He makes a joke. We move on. Or he does. But I don't. Not at all. I keep playing the words over in my head. I keep seeing them from different angles and analyzing the implications of the actions. He did this. It means this. He said this. It must mean this. All the while the outside world is barreling forward.

Smile at the people, Sarah Jo. Make jokes. Eat. Play cornhole. Watch the movie. Laugh at the appropriate places. Look at him when he looks at you.

What I feel like saying:

This is one of those things where it isn't so much just the one thing that happened, but also the twenty-seven other things I never talked about. Never brought up. And now it isn't just one instance of disrespect, it is a pattern of behavior that shows that I don't feel valued in this relationship. That I'm starting to feel the way I do right before I just completely disengage and watch the friendship wither. And I never said enough. And I didn't do enough to stop this from happening.

How can I explain where we are now if I never told you about all the wrong turns?
How can I start speaking now when I've been so silent?
How do I decide what is worth saving and when to just give up?
Because I really, really love you. But you really, really hurt me. Over and over again.
And I'm really good at forgiving people that hurt me, but I'm getting tired.

I made it all the way home before I started crying. I wish you wouldn't make me cry.

1 comment:

partnersxinxcrime said...

i'm so sorry.
i wish he could realize what he's doing.