You know that feeling when you haven't quite decided how to feel? That is currently where I am. I keep going over all the different factors trying to decide which to focus on. How should I feel?
I'm frustrated with myself. I'm not very good at being verbal about my feelings in person. I always want to do or say whatever it is that will cause the least amount of conflict. And then later I get angry at myself for not speaking. Like right now. Some things I want to say. Some things I'll never, ever get to say. This is why I write.
I'm relieved. Like all of those times I almost got on a roller-coaster and then didn't.
I'm disappointed. Like all of those times I didn't get on the damn roller-coaster.
What is it called when you expect something and it still sucks every time it happens? I'm that.
I'm a little angry.
I feel like the moment all the tension releases and you can't quite locate all of your muscles.
Or like when you finally, finally stop running. At first everything hurts and then it feels better and better.
When you are lost, that moment when all the strange things suddenly snap into focus and you think you know where you are now. You are almost positive. I am that.
I am a little disgusted. With myself. And with others.
I am okay. I just need some time to process. I have all the time in the world. Please don't talk to me about it. Really.