Saturday, May 08, 2010

Arms full of nothing.

Have you ever tried to carry too many things? Something starts to slip and you don't have a free hand to adjust it. You  just move faster, hoping you reach your destination before it falls. Or maybe that it won't break when it falls. Perhaps someone will come along and adjust it for you, or bless them, carry something.

I think life is always, always like this.

What am I carrying?

Weight loss. Thoughts of it consume hours of my day. I vacillate between being excited about my choices to feeling guilty about something. And the progress is never, never fast enough. Weight loss isn't a heavy burden, but it is that mostly-empty box that is so huge it blocks my vision of anything else.

Money. I'm trying to pay off some debt I've acquired. It is hard to find a balance between paying things off and still spending money on things I want. I don't want to make myself unhappy by not ever doing things, but I don't want to make just minimum payment either. Debt is a heavy, awkward bundle to carry.

Dating. I'm not dating and I want to be. I get increasingly worried when I see more and more of my friends and acquaintances getting married. I feel impatient. And I feel the kind of lonely that doesn't go away no matter how much time I spend with my girl friends. The kind of lonely that makes me cling to unhealthy things just because they are THERE and the alternative is nothing at all. This burden feels like the grocery bag handles stacked on my arms that only start to hurt after a little time. Then they cut deeper and deeper into my skin with each swing, timed with my walk. The faster I go, the more it hurts. If I slow down, it will hurt longer.

But I'm sure I'll be carrying different forms of these burdens my whole. whole life.

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