Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"And you recite my words right back to me"

Hmm, so I'm thinking and I don't have anyone to talk to so I think I'll write. I know I should go to bed, but I don't want to just yet. I knew this would happen when I decided to go for desert at dinner tonight. It was well worth it, to spend another 15 minutes laughing. Tonight was dinner with everyone from work. I really enjoyed it. I could tell you why but then I would have to tell you every little funny thing and that would get boring and things are never as funny when you re-tell them. So, we laughed the whole time and it made me happy.

School really stresses me out and I'm trying my best not to be. I want to enjoy everyday, not loathe it. What if today was my last day and I had spent the better half of it worrying about homework? So I have homework, I'll do it. No need to worry about it every waking moment. But saying all this is much easier than actually doing it.

I always over analyze things. I try to put things in pretty little boxes with categories. Life doesn't fit in my boxes. This reminds me of Dr. Cheney Duvall and her pretty little bottles, but nevermind because you don't know anything about that. Where was I? Boxes. And emotions, I can't keep a handle on those either. Mind you, I try very hard. I like control, and well, I can't always control everything. And I get confused and lost somewhere between who I was, who I am, and who I am trying to be. I don't think I am making any sense, but I'll keep going because its making me feel better. I just wish I knew what happened in the end so that I don't have to waste any time going in the wrong direction. Like, if I end up North, than I would like to know so I don't spend all this time going south. But then, what if I end up north because I went south first? This example is leading neither of us anywhere.

The sleepiness is starting to come.

I just need some room to breathe because I feel so trapped right now. My every day is already scheduled. It was okay in the summer time because even though I worked full time, I had plenty of time to myself when I was off work. Now, when I'm off work I'm at school or I have homework to read. And even if I'm not doing homework, I'm feeling guilty about not doing the homework. Like this very moment, if I had started reading one of my books instead of writing, I certainly would have fallen asleep quickly. But I wanted to do this and shouldn't I do want I want to do in addition to what I need to do?

And then this reminds me that I get distracted so often and I worry and get all upset and stressed over stuff that is so temporary. I'll just give it all to God.

I've got this stack of papers on my desk. They are the lyrics to my favorite worship songs. Whenever I need a few moments to just "chill" and stop worrying about everything, I just pick one up and sing it. I just concentrate fully on the song and that's where I find my happy. My happy song for the last week or so has been Sonicflood- I want to Know You.

Wow, my fingers hurt. I bet your eyes hurt too. Okay then, I'll call it a night. This is so one of those times that I could stay up all night talking to someone, but everyone is asleep and I need to be too. Oh yes, I was trying to say goodnight.

Sarah Jo


Ashes said...

Sounds like you need some time to enjoy life. I do to. Lately I've been keeping up on my homework which means giving up my "me" time, and I don't even have a job besides babysitting and cutting grass. I think we should get together and have a spoil day. We could get a pedicure, go shopping, Starbucks, or see a movie. If you have a couple hours to spare and would like to get away holla at me.

And always remember there's always an end to the madness. I Love You

Sarah Jo said...

How about all of the above? But dont you not like pedicures? I would love a pedicure, and a manicure for that matter. And Starbucks. And a movie. Can we do it all? And is there time for Coldstone in there someplace? So, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday would be best. Im thinking Saturday would be great. Is Saturday okay with you? I have to work until 2 on saturday but places close early on Sundays and probably Monday on account of the holiday. I want a frappicino. And happy feet.

Ashes said...

That sounds great. I have class until 12:00 and I need to go to the library, so I will just do some busy work until you get off. we can do all the above and anything else you feel like doing. See ya tomarrow!