Wednesday, September 08, 2004

You are beautiful.

Today, I was all by myself,
and I laughed out loud.
And then I looked around
to see if anyone noticed
just like I do
when I think of you
and blush.

And the girls I tell
they say your name
just to see
my face turn red.
(But you would never see that.)

But more often,
I duck my head
let my hair cover my eyes
turn away
or walk away
and pretend to be upset.
But, I would never be upset
over a thing so small.

Just a poem for all the boys I have ever liked. It is deplorable, to show this teenage side of me, always longing to be more mature. But, I said I would be Honestly Me, so here I go. Because yes, I am a teenager, and yes, I do have crushes on boys. I never had a crush on a boy just because he was cute. No, I always liked the boys that were nice to me, because I always felt I was not worthy of that. Most times, I avoid boys and so, they me. The boys I have liked, are the ones that talked to me anyway. I had a notion to list them here, but for fear, I will not. What if one of them read this?!? And then I had to see him again somewhere, in a grocery store, at a party? Would we laugh about it? I can say I liked Matt Daily in fourth grade, because I told him. In fifth grade I liked Kyle Frisch. *cringe* isn't it funny to look at how much people have changed? And its sad to think I knew him when he could have been anything. . .

And it is weird how I can see someone I liked in middle school and still let out an inward sigh. Because yes, I do like him still. Would I ever go out with him or anything? Well, no. Just, fascinated with memories I would say.

I feel awfully vulnerable saying all this.

I do not know how it is with guys. I wish I had someone to tell me. I asked my brothers. Well, James is gay so I could not really use his experience as the norm. And Chris is such a. . . "playa" "pimp" that he thinks all females lust after him to begin with. Sigh.

I would say, for girls, or at least for me, crushing is a very girly process. Wow, hes just so nice. And I find that people in general become more and more beautiful the more I know them, or the opposite. Like, maybe a girl is so pretty, but she is mean or conceited or something, its just like she becomes just as ugly as her personality. But maybe someone I love is just the most beautiful person, and I cannot understand why the world does not see things my way. I say this because I have had experiences when I share with my friends who I like and they say, "Him?" or "Eww" or something and I do not get it. People all get old and ugly anyway.

And I feel uncomfortable around attractive people, beautiful people. You know the ones. How could I ever have a relationship with someone I felt was "out of my league?" I would forever feel inadequate. And this is okay with me.

Now I know someone is going to ask me, "Are You comfortable around me?" and I'll say ,"Yes" and then they will say " So you think I'm ugly?" I can see it now. Don't even do that. I think you are beautiful. If I love you, I cannot see you any other way. When I look at you, all I see is how much I like you. I see all of the good times. I see how you make me feel. I see my affection for you. How could I see you as anything but beautiful?

And I hate to see you sad or hurt. When I do, I just want to comfort you and make it better. Ever, if you need me, I will be there for you. I just want to know you, and that means the sorrow too. And its okay if we have talked about how awful your mom or your brother or your sister is a thousand times, because you have done the same for me.

Wow, I have just jumped from one thing to another to another tonight. I have said enough for now. I have to share the scary things in small doses, or I back out. I was going to erase this poem, but I decided to explain it instead. Meh, that's all.

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