Wednesday, September 01, 2004

But I faded.

My learning through service class really got me thinking today. We are going to work with hope house this semester as our service. Anyway, Becca, our teacher person, (she is a grad student) was saying that she would be interested in starting a drive to get some of the homeless there registered to vote. I asked her if you could register to vote with no permanent address, and she did not know. I started thinking, how do they get a job with no address? Who would hire them? It seems like such a vicious cycle.

I was in the grocery store the other day and I stood there in the aisle, food everywhere I looked, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, and I thought, people are starving to death. Could not we all sacrifice some of this selection and abundance to save the lives of others? Probably not.

And I just feel so responsible. There are people living in my own community who do not know where their next meal will come from. They do not know where they will sleep or what they will do tomorrow or next week. And I complain about gas prices. It just burdens my heart with the responsibility of it all: DO SOMETHING!

But on a happier note, I do like this learning through service class. It is only one credit hour. We meet two hours a week so class will be over October 14. That means that after October 14th I will get out of school at 10 o'clock on Monday, Wednesday, Friday! I think that is so awesome. Of course, I do not want to wish away a month and a half, but still.

Oh, and we should have referrals by then, and I will know when I get to meet Caitlynn or however its spelled.

And I think Jon should be out of basic training by then. Maybe. But I do not want to talk much about that, if you do not already know. We'll see. I never know if people are sincere when they tell me things. I am.

Now I am all sad and full of anxiety. I need to move away from this line of thought.

Okay so. . . tomorrow I am staying all night at Ashelys with Elisabeth and Emilie and I am going to give everyone pedicures. That will be fun. Maybe I can go buy some facial masks and we can just have a spa night.

Linda has her surgery Friday. Pray for her if you pray. Send her positive energy or good thoughts or something. I am worried.

I finally figured out how to put a picture on my profile, I was so excited! Apparently when a website has a link for "support" or "help" it is there for help and support. Heh.

I found an old fragment of a poem I started to write on June 17. I can't decide whether or not to finish it.

This is who I used to be,
(but I faded along with the pink
In that t-shirt I always wore)

But, I am not the same person I was when I wrote that.

I was driving home from Ashleys (or your) house today and I listened to 93.3 WAKW. Its Christian radio. Anyway, I tuned in in the middle of a talk show. The focus of the show was intimacy in marriage. The guy (whose name I do not know) said that in todays culture, intimacy is confused with sex, and they are not the same thing. Intimacy is being able to be completely real, honest, figuratively naked, with the person you are married to. They talked about how all people have this base desire, and how we try to fill it with other things. They said that it is difficult and scary to be intimate with another person, especially today, when marriage's are so completely temporary, and that people open up to one another only to have the relationship dissolve and be hurt. Then, in future relationships this past hurt makes people recoil from the very thing their soul desires.

That last line is what hit me. "You then recoil from the very thing your soul desires." And this had nothing to do with male/female relationships for me. This is what I have been doing with my relationship with God. I recoil from the very thing I desire. I cannot be whole without God. I cannot be happy without God. But. . . there is something. I keep recoiling, running, turning away. Everytime. I remember how I felt at that mercyme concert, at spirit song, at SOS. I have felt the presence of God (please do not roll your eyes at me at this point) and then I leave those places and I am here in my room, and I feel so abandoned.

And how can He love me? He, who knows my every misstep, my flaws, my mistakes. How can He see all this and love me still? How can You? And I mess up everytime. I fail everytime. And still You are there, saying You still love me. I cannot fathom a love that big.

And I look at the sky, because that is the biggest thing I know. And You say you are bigger than that. This makes me feel so small, so insignificant. You say you clothe even the flowers in the field. And I think when I pray, I am not the only one talking to You.

Here I am, so full of doubt. And some days, I know without a doubt, You exist. And then, I doubt myself. If I do not believe in you, why do I talk to you?

And I heard a song, Missing Person by Michael W. Smith today.

Missing Person

music by Michael W. Smith and Wayne Kirkpatrick

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
It's got me thrown
And so I put on my poker face
And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Can't help but wondering how
My heart evolved into
A rock beating inside of me
So I reel
Such a stoic ordeal
Where's that feeling that I don't feel

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and
I've been searchin' for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That's chipping away at my soul
I've been gone too long

Will I ever find my way home

He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately
but I've been searchin' for that missing person.

And I was like, wow. Just wow.

Oh, well, I guess I have said enough for tonight.

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