Monday, August 16, 2004

Won Hun Dread

Wow, this will be my 100th post. I do talk a lot. I made my very first post on June 14th. I cannot believe I have not given up on this yet. I am not so good at following through on projects I start.

I saw James today. He got evicted from his apartment. Just like James, huh? I wish I could just do something to make him and his life all better. I just want to fix him. I want to fix the world.

I cannot.

I miss him. Or rather, I miss what he used to be, when I thought he loved me. I still love him, through it all, even if he is a stranger now. No time can erase all my memories, and they are many. I do not even know if he ever loved anyone. He seems so distant, so detached from the world. All I ever wanted was to impress him, than maybe he would love me, see how I loved him, how we loved him, and stay, and change. I wish I could change what was.

I cannot.
I would not.

So here I am. I was thinking about my parents relationship today, or what I see of it. They fight so much. Everytime I hear them fight it tears at me. I cannot stand it. She lies to him. He tries to control her. They both have their addictions.

I remember when they wanted a divorce. I thought I would die. I could never live with just one of them. Mom is too. . . sporadic, random, uncontrolled, irresponsible, fun for all the time. Dad is too predictable, controlling, prejudiced, boring for all the time. They even each other out. I can spend time with Dad and then Mom, like I did today. And I like it when we spend time as a family, but I would never choose one over another. I would go live with Joanie again.

I would.

But no, they did not fight today. I am just grumpy. All day. I could probably choose to be in a better mood, but, those dreams. *shiver*

Dad made several racist comments today. One (what do I call a comment against gays?) comment, and one sexist comment. Grrrr.

He told me once that this was America and that he thought he had the right to his own opinions.
Sure, just keep your damn mouth shut around me, because I don't want to hear it!

Everything irritated me today.

Except the sky. Tonight it was all pink around the edges when I went out. It got darker higher up and the stars shone. Calming. Steady.

Mom just left again.

No comments: