Monday, August 30, 2004

My Current quandary (as mentioned to the square root of Sarah squared, aka plus or minus Sarah)

Sometimes this feels like reaching out to the world, and other times it feels like me spending way too much time writing in my diary. Ah well. I have come to need this.

I am listening to Jeremy Camp. It makes me kinda sad because I missed his concert. But again, oh well.

Today was the kick-off picnic at MUM. I saw Chris and Johnna and Ashley all at the same time. Saw Brad from far away. It was strange. Like lunch at high school. Except it wasn't. And part of me wanted to stay there all day and pretend and part of me wanted to leave as quickly as possible. I stayed for a bit, then I left. I would say that I compromised with myself. It was nice, sure, but it felt like. . . stale or something. Like trying to revive something past.

And maybe I am not social enough, but I never wanted to be. I like hanging out with my aunts and cousins more than my friends, most times. And I do not care about the social implications of that, because I never wanted to be cool or popular. I don't even care about all that. Some of the coolest people I have ever met have been the "geeks" and the "nerds" and I love them for it. And I do not know what label I fall under, but again, do not really care. The most important thing to me is to be liked by those that matter to me. I don't care if the most popular girl or guy in school things I am a loser, but I do care what you think. And I think the most tragic thing for me would be to not live up to my own standards. It is hard to measure oneself with the same stick as everyone else.

I don't even know where I am going with this, but I usually do. Most the time my thoughts are all connected on a common string, whether you can see it or not.

So many times I am tempted to repeat what I have already said. I guess that is because, most the time I have to. Sometimes I feel like I am not being listened to. I want to be able to make an allusion to something I have already said before and for you to understand. Like if I tell you that I was going to talk about skating around each other again, you would know what I meant. I know I talk a lot, but it hurts me when I feel that people are not listening to me. I talk less, or say less. I just want to be heard. Its like, if you are not listening, how can you know me? If you are not listening to me, do you even want to know me? If you do not want to know me, how could you love me? Yes I know, too dramatic, too sensitive. These are my inner ramblings.

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