Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Emotions as colors.

Here I am arguing with myself again today. I feel things that I cannot control, and no rationalization can make them go away. And I have discussed this before, but that is no end to the discussions I have in my head about it. You own this emotion and I cannot take it back from you.

Sometimes I go back and read my poetry again, or my blog again, and I find that what I have said before is the same thing I still say in my mind. Once I put language to a thought, it stays in language. So I'll be talking in my head thinking, " I sit here in anticipation of the next thing you will say. I play your words over in my mind and again because . . ." (June 28) I guess that means that I am being honest. I was never very good at letting people see what I think, what I feel.

This girl at work always says, "I love you" to me. Not in a weird way or anything. I tell Betty I love her all the time because I do. But I don't say it casually to some girl I do not like. And she keeps saying it to me and I just look at her. It took me a long time to tell my friends that I loved them. I guess that those words are slow in coming for me. I don't want to say it if I don't mean it. And then, when I do mean it, I say it often. I say it randomly. Not always the mandatory, "Bye, I love you." "Thank you, I love you"

I had another eventful dream last night. It involved road trips, Mexico, Canada, road racing, a multi-car accident, drive-by shootings, Satan, alien technology, spirits leaving bodies, emotions as colors, Ashley C., illegal immigrants, a strange man and his dog, and Joanie. Ill tell you about it sometime if you care, I just don't want to spend another half and hour typing it out.

Well, that was all that my blog-to-do-list-in-my-head contained.

I will talk at you later.

Singing in my head: "Punk Rawk Show"-MXPX

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