Monday, August 09, 2004

Why I am afraid of boys.(And other ramblings.)

I am feeling things today. I was happy this morning, watching Elisabeth play. I was content this afternoon, working. I was satisfied and self-conscious and good at Ashleys birthday party. That was nice. It was nice to see Rachel and Katy and Ashley all together, in the same spot. That was fun, laying on the picnic table, hiding behind the tree, just being together. Thank you. And I was glad when it was over too. I am not very social, you know. I love to see people for a little while, and then I am ready to go. But, I was very glad Rachel invited me to watch a movie with her. I never did like watching movies with friends. It was always like, I have a limited amount of time with friends and I do not want to spend it sitting next to them and not talking, but this was fun. I had my social time with her, and then we could relax and be comfortable and share something together. I never thought of it that way before, just sharing an experience. It was nice to see everyone in the group and then it was nice to see Rachel alone. It was comfortable. This made me happy. I like people. I like doing things with people, even if it is sitting at a picnic table in smith park talking about eighth grade English class. Sigh. I am gonna miss you guys. So much.

But then, we cant be what we were anymore. I cant be that girl and neither can you. And while it is awfully nice remembering, we cant do that forever, and thats all it is, remembering. We are all different and I can feel it when we are together. We arent in the same place anymore and we are using memories to fill the gap. We wont be friends forever, I know this, and maybe that is a good thing. I cant grow if I always have someone expecting me to be the girl I was in middle school, in high school. Yes, we had good times, but we are not those children anymore. I dont want to be.

I love you. Each one of you. I will always love you because I will always remember what you were when we were together. No matter how much you change, you will always be my good memories.

I am scared to death to meet new people, to make new friendships. I have grown oh so comfortable here, but you are going away from me, and I from you. I cant live forever clinging to the thing we made then. I want to do that terrifying ritual of getting to know someone, but man am I frightened.

New Subject
My emotions are so unpredictable. I know I dont want to feel this, but then I cannot control how I feel. When I think of you, I feel this way. When I think of her, I feel this way. When I think of him, I feel this way.

And boys are a mystery to me. I only talk to a very few. There were only two boys I never feared. I do not know what made them different, but they were. They were my friends. Maybe if I could figure out what I was afraid of, then I would know why I didnt fear them. They made me comfortable, completely comfortable. And I could tell the one anything. And they other I could be mean to. He made me comfortable by not being afraid of making me uncomfortable. He touched me, without my permission, and often and I hated it. I told him as much, and he stopped sometimes. (Im not talking about petting or anything like that.) But he was annoying. The other one, what was it? I dont know. I feel sorry for what he is now, what he became.
(Relient K - What have you been doin lately?) Makes me sad.

So anyway, I was talking about boys. I have never had a boyfriend, not really. There was a boy in eight grade that asked me out and I said no, and then some other girl bullied me into saying yes to him. He made me hold his hand when we walked out of class. It embarrassed me and made me uncomfortable. And that was the end of the whole affair. Its funny. I didn't want to go out with him, I liked another boy. And I wish I hadn't, because then I wouldn't have to tell this whole story. (If I didn't tell the whole story then I would feel like I was lying when I said I have never had a boyfriend.) I tell you this because I don't tell people this, and I want to tell these things to someone. I have never had a boyfriend, and it makes me feel inadequate. Like, I am not good enough for any boy to want to go out with. This is my feeling. I think this is why I am afraid of boys. I think I have some terrible flaw that the boys all see and they are trying their best to be nice around me. I can deal with girls. Most girls like me. Boys, on the other hand, are a mystery, and they scare me to death.

And then what happens when I finally do go out with someone? I don't know what to do. I never went out on a date or kissed a boy. I have never talked to a boy on the phone. I've never done anything. Are there things I am supposed to know? I just cant believe I'm going to be in college and be this ignorant. And then, I am going to be the same me that I have been. What if I never meet anyone? What if I grow old and never get married and live by myself forever? What will I do then? Or even worse, what if I cling to the first guy that pays attention to me, be it loser or abuser or drunk? I have seen both of these things happen, and they both scare me to death.

I don't want to tell everyone this. I don't want to show all my vulnerable, scared parts, but I need to. I don't know what everyone else feels, but this is me. Do with it what you will. I just feel better having written it all out. Its easier when I can put things in concrete words instead of haunting images and emotions and monsters in my head. When I can name them, maybe later I can face them.

Feeling more lonely than ever.

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