Monday, August 23, 2004

Everyday: To be imperfect.

I am so. . . Variable. That's not the word, but I cannot think of a better one at the current moment. I am not steady or stable in my emotions. Even naming them here has only increased this effect. When I see them, I can react to them. Do I know myself any better today than I did the day before I started my blog? I do not know this. I am more accountable to myself. What I say in my head is still here, tangible, for me to reckon with. I cringe as I read some entries. I smile at others. Still, I agree with some and become embarrassed at others. Some, I want to delete, but I will not because, like it or not, this is who I was at the time I typed it, or who I thought I was.

I am allowed to be imperfect. I am allowed to be flawed. You should love me anyway. I may never live up to all of your expectations of me, or any of them. I will probably surprise you once in a while, and on that note, I will disappoint you as well. Let that not be the end of our friendship. This I know: it is so much easier to walk away, I have done it many times. There is no fruit in walking away.

And I find communication scary and most effective. Most of the time, I cannot say what I feel about you when I see your face. I can tell you here. I can tell you in poetry. But, when I see your face, I am terrified. Of what? Your response? Not being reciprocated? Rejection? Vulnerability? It may be all of these things.

I get lost and overwhelmed in all I want to be. (Warning: I may have said all of this before) Sometimes I want to be what I think you would want me to be. I want to be liked or loved or something. But the thought of that makes me angry. I should not have to earn or change for love. I should be worthy of it. And I feel that I am not.

And I get lost in religion. I know what I want to believe. My heart strays. My heart does not commit. I know the truth here, but not here. My heart believes, my head argues? I cannot explain to you. I feel torn in two with this. I want to be completely submerged in God. I want to drown in His presence, and it seems so far away. Or am I running? And I never do what I say I will do. I am unreliable here, in religion, faith. I know this: My happiness is directly proportional to my faith. When I start to doubt, I become depressed. I know where this happiness comes from. Just sometimes I think, What if this is all some elaborate hoax? Did someone make this all up?

I know what I want, because I think it will make me happy. I am sure it will not. But, I cannot rationalize this to myself. I want it nonetheless. Or maybe this is some built-in desire. Something pre-programmed into all human beings. I do not know this.

We are not defined by the major events in our lives, but by the everyday. I am the sum of every day I am alive. People will not remember me for what I was at homecoming or at Grandpa's funeral. They will remember what I was everytime they saw me. Let this remind me, what I want to be, because that, I need to be everyday.

I want to be beautiful. (And again, I am not talking about the physical.)

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