Sunday, August 15, 2004

What is beyond the earth?

I am full of discontent today. Nothing makes me happy. And I feel a discord within myself, a dissonance.

I dreamt of hiding again last night, of being pursued.

I don't even know what I want.

I feel out of place. I am looking at everything around me as if this is only temporary. The face of the world will fall away soon and I will be where I belong.

No, I do not know what I mean.

And everything they say to me is the wrong thing. Everything feels off-key. And I do not know what they could have said or done that would have been alright.

Where could I go, but here? Where have I been, but here?

Maybe I just want to sit in Ashleys basement and get lost in Lord of the Rings on her big screen. Comfortable with her and with me. Being someplace else together. Knowing each other. Silence.
Everything here seems out of place. Wrong. I want to get lost in a book, another world. That will feel better today. Comforting.

Ashley works all day.

One of my windows doesn't have a curtain on it. They did not have enough fabric. I only had enough to make curtains for three windows. There is a sheet on the window. I need more fabric. This window is in discord with the others.

And this is happening inside me. Except here, I cannot pinpoint the source, only the result. The emotions in me are the wrong color. Tye-dye of browns and grays and the color of scary dreams.

I am tired of being lost in the color of memories.

I want to abandon myself in fantasy.

Warm, liquid, swirling, dreams.

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