"Or anything but . . ."

I want it. I have wanted it for awhile. I am not sure if I am supposed to wait for it longer or not, but the opportunity to have it is not here anymore, so I must wait. I might have had it, or something very near it, if I had been brave, or honest. I think sometimes those two amount to the same thing with me. But then, it might have been wrong, and I might have ruined it altogether. I can wait longer, I guess, if there is a promise that eventually it will come to me. If not, I do not think I want to keep it on this pedestal anymore. If not, I will settle for something less, something cheaper, maybe something only temporarily fulfilling. Because, if I never get it, then I will never be fulfilled. But then, there is this whisper of a promise in my ear, that yes, I will have it. Yes, I deserve it. Yes, it can and will come to me. Oh please do. But as always, in the other ear, I hear whispers too. I am not good enough for that. This will never be given to me. I might as well settle. Life it too short to wait for things. I should give up now. What is the point in hoping? It never helped anything. Alas, I made of stronger stuff than that. I will wait.