Sunday, August 22, 2004

My cup overfloweth

I am so full of feeling right now that I cannot control. I need to learn that. This is my weakness. I am captive to my own emotions. And these feeling contradict one another. I just want to be close to you. I don't even want to see you. (The you's being different people) I am full of regret and sadness and amusement and longing. I got into Bettys car and it smelled like Grandmas car used to smell and suddenly I was there. I was that little girl in the back seat as Grandpa drove us to dinner. And it made me happy to remember. And it made me sad. I miss him. I miss you Grandpa. And other feelings. Like seeing all these people from school that I had not seen for months. I had not expected to see. I told myself that after high school everyone would go away and I would not see them anymore. And there they were. It was nice. And quite amusing.

And I am disappointed and I wont say that I am not. But that is not only it. I feel so damned dependent. I cannot do anything new by myself and I need to learn to. I cannot go through my life expecting someone to hold my hand everyday.

And my friends are gone. I needed one of them yesterday, and they were not there and it made me sad. And then I knew, I do not have enough friends. I am not so good at getting close to people. They scare me. Even my friends do not know me so well. And I would not rely on them for much. And I am afraid to ask them for much. And this came into sharp relief twice yesterday. I saw how close they all were and I missed how I could do that once. I haven't been friends like that in a long while. And now they are gone.

And I just. Im. . . I am. . .

I think Ill just go to work now.

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