Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I'm glad she can't use the internet.

I'm full of angry red emotions right now. All my mother ever wants from me is money. Its like she does something nice for me so that I will give her money. I'm so frustrated. I don't have money. I need to save for china, not support her habit. It makes me feel like she only loves me when I'm giving her something. It makes me afraid of every nice thing she does for me becuase I wonder how much it is going to cost me. It makes me feel that she loves her "medicine" more than she loves me. And I hate it. Nothing I ever do will be more important to her than her pain pills. No matter how great a daughter I try to be I will never measure up to her addiction, and its killing me. And then she goes and tells me that I dont appreciate anything and that she always takes such good care of me and that she cant believe that she puts up with the way I treat her. And she says, " Your just like your daddy" and I hate it. And I hate her for it. She is the only human being I know that is capable of sucking all the life out of me like this. I dont want to live here another day. I cant do this anymore. My heart is at war with itself. I love my mother, and I hate what she does to me. I love my family, and I hate how this makes me feel. I want to stay here forever, and I feel I cant do this anymore. I have plenty of places to go and no place that will ever be home. I have this great hurt inside of me and its threatning to consume me and I cant hide it anymore. She makes me feel so shallow, like its all about the money. Its not about the money, its about our relationship. Its about me. Its about her. I wish it would all go away. Oh world, dissolve into nothingness for me. No arms could make this pain abate. No words could curb its sting. I am so ashamed to tell anyone, like her addiction is my fault, my shame. Like it makes me less of a person. Then, I feel so defensive and upset if anyone says anything bad about her. I love her too. I tell her how I feel and it just rolls off of her like its nothing. My feeling arent important. Im just being a drama queen. Im just trying to make her mad. Yes, thats exactly what Im doing. My heart isnt really breaking. Our relationship isnt really falling apart. Im not really drowning in all of this. It was all a ploy to make her feel bad, because its all about her.

1 comment:

Ashes said...

I'm here for you, always! Luv ya