Thursday, December 30, 2004

"Running from you is what my best defense is"

Last night I realized that I have not written poetry in a long time. That makes me sad. No, see, its so different than sad. I could write a poem about how not writing poetry makes me feel but I can't write a poem at the present time.

And I don't want to say the same things over and over, but I am feeling the same things over and over. And even if I wrote you a poem about how much I love you, can I not express to you everyday that I love you?

I'm feeling so frustrated and fragmented. This is where I communicate better. When I am there standing in front of you, the words do not come and I feel so frightened and awkward. And sometimes I am so comfortable with you, but other times the air is thick and I wonder what you are thinking and I want to tell you what I am thinking, but I am just so scared. If I tell you what I am thinking, it makes me so vulnerable, and I'm terrified that you will hurt me. That even as you say you love me you will hurt me. Its so much easier to write my poetry and hide it away, hide myself away and be safe. But it is so much lonelier that way too.

And the other day, I hated what you said. I wanted to rail against you and fight with you and tell you how wrong you were and how much that statement hurt me and how long I would remember those words. But no, I sat there in silence, adding more space between us and building up my defenses. I love you SO much, and I won't even tell you when you upset me.

Even now, I do not tell you.
How will I ever know anyone?

Sarah Jo

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