Saturday, September 19, 2009

There sits my bed, calling my name in a silent, sweet seduction.

Just now was the first time I have walked into this bedroom and it felt like my room. A safe place. Like the walls would keep the world out for a little while. Not just paint and a rug and furniture but now a place where I can be the most me. My room. How long have we lived here? How long did that take?

I feel really good. Not happy exactly because that's more of a flame that burns bright and hot and doesn't usually last long when I'm alone. This is contentment. Or satisfaction. Fulfillment. Yes, there are things wrong with my life, even at this very moment, but I don't care about those just now. Like Micheal Buble, I'm feeling good.

Breakfast with my co-workers turned out nice. I work with 12 people and there were only four of us that actually showed up, but I expected that. Robbie was almost on time and Megan was about ten minutes late and PJ was a whole 45 minutes late, but I expected all of that too. It was actually amusing because he was texting me the whole time he drove to work. (I know, that's dangerous.) We offered to order his food for him and he wanted us to choose. That was fun. He said we chose well. Score.

And then afterwards I went to Java Johnny's with Megan and we curled up on opposite ends of the leather couch and cradled our mugs of hot chocolate (mine with peppermint) and talked about all kinds of stuff.

Breakfast is my favorite meal to share with people. Its like starting the day off nice. I can carry around the satisfaction of it all day long.

And before breakfast, I texted Jeremy when I woke up, not really expecting a reply that ridiculously early in the morning, but he did. And that made me happier.

Oh! And last night Ashley called me and even though she is about 1000 miles away, we watched Pride and Prejudice together. (Okay, hit play on 3-2-1!) That was a two hour phone call. (Thank goodness for free nights and weekends!) It almost felt like we were in the same room and no distance separated us. And no time either. We even talked about how awful we are to each other (me more than her, honestly) and somehow we keep being friends.

I think the thing that makes me feel the safest with her is knowing that she has seen everything ugly I can be and still loves me. And I've seen her unpretty parts too and I love her regardless. I think I have a messed-up definition of love because I always need the flaws in there too. I just can't paint over them and pretend they aren't there. I want them out in the open and acknowledged and accepted. Here I am, horrible parts and all, no surprises. Do you want me still?

This seems to be doubly difficult for me because it takes me forever to see whats wrong with people. Not just whats wrong in general, but maybe the parts that are going to get on my nerves or hurt me or become hard to handle. I can see my faults like the rim of my glasses, always there in front of me even though they do often become part of the picture. But other people I just can't figure out. Many times I don't see till someone tells me. And usually even then I deny these supposed flaws until I can compare them with real experiences. I don't know how to make myself see though. I'm paying a lot of attention but I guess I'm not doing any critical thinking. Just experiencing.

I just realized that I am very, very sleepy. I'll take a nap. And I'll feel guilty about this nap because Jeremy got up even earlier and can't take a nap. He is probably bagging bread while hunched over a table that is too short. And also, I should probably do something active. But I'm sleepy and there will be dancing tonight. Hopefully.

Did I tell you I feel good? I know I told you. Its just that yesterday was so so nice and today started off good too. There isn't even anyone at home to bother me. I went to the gym yesterday morning and saw Ashley. And work wasn't horrible. And then I saw Jeremy after work and he drove fast and made me laugh and told me stories and bought me dinner and sang. And then I had a dance party in my bedroom with Kiersten who decided she liked me last night. And she was clean. Like, still wet from the bath. And she was talking and laughing and hugging me. And then she went away before I got tired of her. And Ashley called me. And you know about that part. So I got time will all kinds of people that I love (even little ones that I love but don't like very much) and that makes me happier.

It looks strange that I said I saw Ashley at the gym and that Ashley lives 1000 miles away. Multiple Ashley's DO make things interesting.

I said I was taking a nap!

1 comment:

As time goes by said...

But multiple Ashleys are SOO much fun! :)-Ashley