And I went for what was supposed to be a run in the park and actually ended up being more of a speed walk. My throat burned when I ran so I decided to walk. But it was nice, especially when a song played with a faster tempo. I missed the feeling of the sun on my skin and the breeze in my hair. But I wanted someone else to be there with me. Of course, I usually want someone else to be there with me, wherever I am. I think I even told Ashley she could come over to my house and we could read together and ignore one another for chapters at a time. She informed me that we probably wouldn't get much reading done. And she is right.
When I took a shower this evening, I discovered I wasn't alone in there! A winged something-or-other was trying desperately to fly out the closed window and its occasional bounces on the fogged surface brought it closer and closer to my body. The only thing I had to defend myself was my loofah and water. And by the time I noticed it I was all covered in lather. Past the point where I could run from the shower. I swear I was covered in goosebumps as I tried to watch it and rotate under the spray at the same time. I just hate bugs.
Today I ate at Chipotle all by myself. And it was cold in there. I read Lord of the Rings and attempted to not get rice down my shirt. Apparently some people find that kind of thing unattractive. Then Ashley met me and we got smoothies at the good smoothie place and then perused Barnes and Noble for a long time before not buying anything. We spent a lot of time talking about past relationships and the things we learned from them. And then there are things we still don't understand. Maybe some things never make sense.
In communications class one time, we learned about this grid of four squares that represent all things known in a relationship. Things you know and things the other person knows.
Box 1: Things you both know about you.
Box 2: Things you know, but the other person does not know about you.
Box 3: Things the other person knows about you that you don't even know.
Box 4: Things neither one of you know about you.
Box 3 terrifies me.
See when I was called manipulative and immature, I took the time to do some introspection and see if perhaps that was a Box 3 thing. Maybe I've been manipulative and immature my whole life. And then I asked other people to try to check my findings. And finally I decided that no, I am not manipulative and immature. At least, not in the way I was accused. I am alarmingly honest and straightforward sometimes. I am stubborn and persistent sometimes. And I most certainly am silly sometimes. But I don't create secret plans or have hidden agendas in order to do whatever it is I might secretly plan to do. Honestly, that probably involves paying more attention than I usually do and probably some lying which I usually don't do.
I got off track.
So Box 3 terrifies me because I'm worried that there are things about me that I'm not even aware of. Awful things that I'm walking around with and am not even conscious enough of them to work on being better. Being particularly oblivious might exacerbate this problem. Stupid Box 3. Oh! But the other side of this could be: there might be wonderful, amazing things about me that I'm not aware of too! Right? Right?
I'm in one of those moods where I could make lists of reasons why I love people. I don't think that's the sort of thing a person should do very often though. But I want to do it! Mmkay, it will just be one list and it will be here and then I can just write "you" and "you" will be whoever it is I mean when I'm writing it.
Things I love about you. Or, reasons I love you:
Sometimes you visit me by surprise.
You used to leave me "I love you." notes so I would find them later when you weren't with me.
You just keep sticking around.
You keep calling me.
You make me laugh over the most ridiculous things.
You sing. Real songs and ones you make up as you go.
You make me want to be a better person.
Spending time with you feels like coming home should.
You understand things no one else possibly could.
And you listen even when you couldn't possibly understand.
You seem to know things I never told you.
And you share the same insecurities I do.
You challenge me.
You tell me what you think about things and how you feel and what happened to you today.
You make me wish interesting things would happen to me just so I could tell you about it.
We are different people now and we can still be friends.
You are honest with me. Even when it might hurt. Even when we are going to disagree.
You give me your time.
Even though you are far away, we still grocery shop together.
You made me dance. And practice "sexy face" pictures. And talk about sex until it felt normal.
We made up all those stories together. Even if they will never get written.
You seem to see the good parts of me, even when I can't.
I want you to be happy. Even when I can't help you with that. Even when your happiness would mean sadness for me.
You laugh so easily.
So many new things in my life, I experienced with you.
I don't know what comes next, but I like that you don't either.
You make me feel seen. Noticed.
I know I'm oblivious to many things, but I see you.
Its been 11 years now and somehow, somehow you still love me.
We are close enough to admit that yes, we are sometimes jealous of one another. Sometimes so much it hurts.
If we sleep in the same room, it takes a lot longer to fall asleep because we just keep talking.
And I love the talking parts.
I feel comfortable touching you and being touched by you.
You taught me how to be a girly girl. Mostly.
You taught me how to feel confident.
Together, we are learning how to be us.
You forgive my faults. And I forgive yours.
You are just so interesting. I love to hear you talk. About anything at all. Well, almost anything.
You are intelligent and articulate.
I enjoy spending time with you, no matter what we are doing.
We've seen each other naked. No one screamed in horror.
We've been horrible to each other. And we got over it.
I don't always understand you, but I'm sure having fun trying to.
I don't think there is anything I haven't told you. Anything I wouldn't tell you.
And I would love to tell you everything, but that's going to take some time.
Being around you just makes me happier. Satisfied. I'm happy all by myself, but you make it better.
I didn't want to. You made me. It was SO worth it. I give you permission to do that again.
I don't even talk to you anymore, but no time or distance will take away the memories of what we were together. I can always love that.
My fingers hurt. So does my brain. And talking about how much I love people reminds me that I'm in my room alone. No fun. But I freakin, okay brace yourself, fucking love you people. I kind of want to erase that. I won't!