Inexperience

I think I would be okay if I never had to listen to another night of screaming. Why they screaming? Haven't they yet figured out that this is not an effective problem solving method? Goodness.

That's not why I'm here. Ashley will be here soon to take me away.

So today at work (when there were no customers (imagine that!)) we talked about sex. Obviously I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation. It actually surprised me that the subject even came up, that everyone felt comfortable enough with one another to talk about it. One of the girls told me she had a story to tell me if I didn't mind too much personal information. She said she knew I wouldn't judge her. And then it grew from there.

I'm not the youngest one working there. Four of them are younger than me. But apparently I'm the least experienced of the group. I'm an anomaly I suppose. Most people my age have experienced quite a bit more, I would say. Its not to say that I've had opportunities and my strong will kept me pure. No. I did have religious beliefs there for a long while that would have prompted me to say no if the question were ever asked, but I never got to exercise that particular religious conviction. No one ever wanted me. Or maybe I put off disinterested signals myself. Either way, I never had a chance to decide anyway.

And now, still nothing of course. I suppose I could throw myself at random drunk strangers and something might possibly develop, but that is not what I want. I want it to be someone I absolutely love. Someone I trust. And I deserve that. And perhaps he will cherish my inexperience instead of see it as some kind of handicap. I would hope so.

I went on a, um, "date" thing with someone last month. Or longer ago than that? I don't know. Some guy I met on the Internet. He was touchy. We met at Starbucks and he grabbed my hand and held it on his leg. I told him it made me uncomfortable; I didn't know him. And it did. But it also made me want to have someone I do know and like to just claim my idle hands. I know this will happen one day but I never thought about the details until the hands touching me were wrong. I never thought about the little steps that get you from (incidentally, its really hard to write when people are screaming) not touching to sex. The little things.

When it was time to go, I went to hug him. He was leaning against his car door and he grabbed me by the hips and jerked me forward towards him. Again, uncomfortable. But again, part of me began wondering how it would feel to want to be that close to a person. And more importantly, for someone to want me that close that he would jerk me forward towards him. Not a stranger.

And he touched me like my body wasn't some gross thing to be avoided. Because, as much as I work to hide it, this is the current running under my thoughts as I cross and re-cross my legs. As I turn this way and that. Better now than before, but still not good enough.

I'm not just a virgin. I'm not just a girl who's never been kissed. I'm a girl who doesn't know all kinds of things. All those steps are foreign to me.

And then, just now, I started listing all those steps I had imagined. But it hurts too much. And it seem pathetic. And it makes me impatient. Okay, and nervous. I swear when these things start to happen, my heart is going to race and I won't have any idea what to do. But I'm sure it will be nice.

(Ahhhh! The yelling!)

But now Ashley is here to save me.