Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Just fine. Better than fine. Great.

I have had this blog for five years now. Five years! It seems strange to me that so many other things come and go in my life and I keep coming back to this. Sometimes, I forget about it for months and other times I'm here more than once a day, but five years and I'm still doing this.

Sometimes I say things that definitely are not interesting.
Many times I repeat myself.
Oftentimes I say things that are too personal to be on the Internet.

I have tried to keep paper journals or even just journals in Word, but they only last a couple of weeks at most. Once, I even had a journal to my future husband, where ever he might be. And then I give up on all of those. Because whether or not I'm saying boring things or repeating myself or getting too personal, it makes me feel better that I might be heard anyway.

I'm not a very private person. I can't even keep secrets for other people very well. But I find it infinitely better for me to talk about things I'm thinking and feeling in text. There isn't anyone sitting there, however patiently, watching me while I try to come up with the best adjective or metaphor that will somehow translate these feelings into appropriate words. The down side of this, of course, is that there is no response either. No immediate feedback. Which do I prefer, the safety of saying it in text, or the satisfaction of immediate feedback?

Ha. But then I learned that sometimes you say things to a person and get no feedback anyway. That's awkward.

I keep worrying about the future. And what good does that do? And then, before I wrote this post, I looked back at some old posts over the last five years just to see. What happened in 2007 that I wrote so little? Why did I write so incredibly much the first two years? So, I go look. And then some of the posts made me feel more nauseous than running did yesterday.

Like the ones about gastric bypass surgery. That was so awful. Just thinking about the whole experience makes me feel like a stupid, stupid fool. How could I put so much hope into one thing? How did I not know I was strong enough to do it alone? But mostly, how could I put SO MUCH hope into one thing?

And the ones about boys I liked. Particularly one. Now, I'm a girl/woman person and I think its inevitable that I'm going to like this or that person for awhile until I find my Person. And maybe even after there are people that catch your attention more than others. Who knows? But it makes me feel sick inside that I felt those things and I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't see.

I still haven't figured out if people change, or if I have an inability to see whats wrong with people until much, much later. I know I changed. I'm sure of that. But I see those posts about things I liked about the guy and I don't see those things anymore. They aren't there. And I well admit that I was ignoring everything wrong with him, but there are things now that weren't there before too. So maybe its both.

Eventually I did stop having feelings for him. Eventually being too long a time to feel such a way. I did begin to see that he and I wouldn't ever work together. It would never work. And we were just friends. Or so I thought. But then things blew up in an awful way earlier this year in a way I cannot forget. I cannot get over. I told him that I forgave him, because that's what I decided to do. He apologized sincerely. What else can a person do? But now its always there like a rock in my shoe. I can't forget. No one has ever called me such awful things before. And that hurt.

And now I'm just not willing to care so much again.
But sometimes I miss my friend. I miss the one he used to be or I thought he was and that person is just not there anymore. I look for him, and it's a waste.

How many times do we look for the people our friends used to be? This isn't the first time for me. And I wonder if anyone keeps looking for the other Sarah in my face?

And right now, I find myself once again having feelings for a friend. And it does scare me. Because I don't want to experience another disaster. And this time its not just a guy friend I have a crush on. He is my best friend. The one I could say anything to. (Well, after some thought, prodding, or incoherent stuttering.) And I don't want to ruin that. So I try to keep two separate compartments for my feelings. Haha.

It's time to go to work.

I'm going to try to stop worrying so much. Because, at least with him, its stupid to worry. Everything is always just fine. Better than fine. Great.


logans run said...

Theres a saying that my fire meet up group liked to yell when Im twirling "More speed less control", And I must admit that when I just stop thinking and spin with the flames it is magical most of the time, but sometimes yeah I get burnt. So Sarah "more speed less control" and even if you get burnt the magical times will make it worth it in the long run.

Sarah Jo said...

Wow. That was the perfect metaphor for me. Thank you so much. More speed, less control. I'll try that and see how it goes.