Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I'm like a shiny thing that catches your eye and then you realize its just sunshine reflecting off aluminum foil.

I'm pretty sure its dangerous and scary just how easily my moods are swayed. I would love love love to have the reigns back now. Please. Except I'm feeling pretty good right now.

I was going to write this particular blog about how awesome I am because I listened to that tarot card reading on tape again and the lady said I needed to start thinking positively about myself and my life and stop putting myself down so much. Now I absolutely do not believe that what she said was directly from "the angels" or whatever, but I think the advice is sound. I DO need to stop putting myself down. If I don't like me, who on earth will?

Because lately I've been seeing and desperately trying to hide these flaws of mine until I can't see anything else. I've been feeling awful about me. And I forgot that I used to like me. I used to really be happy with who I was. And I was sure other people saw it too. But Saturday Jeremy asked me why I was so defensive and I realized its because I'm thinking he must only see the bad in me. But that's not true. So, I've got to fix my perspective.

I am joyful. I think that's the first and most apparent part of my personality. Even on my bad days I seem to be generally happier than everyone else in the room. And I'm excellent at compartmentalizing. I don't let one bad thing ruin everything else. I choose joy and I'm very good at it. I see the positives.

I'm affirming. I really enjoy telling people just how much I like them. Problem is, this seems to be directly related to how I'm feeling and can therefore be either too little when compared to what they are used to, or maybe too much when I am particularly happy with a person. I'm afraid I'll be too much all the time. But that's not why I'm here. I am good at verbally expressing all the positive things I think/feel about a person.

I'm easy-going. I'm not strong willed or stubborn in most cases. I choose whatever seems to make the most people happy or what will keep the peace. I know this gets annoying when it seems I have no opinion but I honestly would rather see you happy than pick which restaurant we go to most of the time. If I really want something, I ask.

People keep telling me I'm "cute" or "adorable" lately and I'm not sure what that breaks down to, exactly, as I'm not doing it on purpose. However, this seems to be a positive thing when people say it so I'm adding it to my list.

I'm strong. And articulate. I have life experiences that have taught me lessons worth sharing. If I feel safe enough to talk to a person about it, they usually react positively to the way I can take a difficult situation and turn it into a learning experience.

This is making me feel really conceited. And uncomfortable. But I think I need to do it. So, to contradict whats happening here I'll tell you I'm usually humble. I don't care to boast about how smart or accomplished or wonderful I think I am unless I'm joking about it. I would much rather have someone notice without me telling them at all. I don't want to fish for compliments; I want them freely given. Plus, I don't like attention all that much except for one person at a time.

Sometimes I'm funny but that seems to be only around certain people. I don't know if they bring out qualities in me or if they just get my sense of humor. But I don't do that on purpose most of the time either. I'm not making jokes, I'm just being so blunt it makes people laugh.

I think that's it, kids. Shall I move on to the bad? I dunno if that would make me feel better at all. I'll list the bad things that are bothering me lately.

I'm selfish and self-centered. I realize I talk about me and whats going on in my life a lot more than I listen. I'm so sorry. And I pick me and what I want over what I should be doing for others sometimes. I could be doing so much more. I'm so completely oblivious to whats going on around me sometimes that I don't even know I hurt people with my lack of attention. Again, I'm sorry. I think I need things pointed out to me verbally, or in writing. I'm not going to realize otherwise.

And I don't think I'm interesting or captivating. I'm like a shiny thing that catches your eye and then you realize its just sunshine reflecting off aluminum foil. I don't know how to be flirty or witty or coy. I'm just honest and straightforward and simple. And I'm not sexy or beautiful or whatever the hell it is that attracts the opposite sex. I'm a little awkward and maybe bouncy but definitely not attractive.

And I'm all kinds of sensitive and emotional, though I pretend not to be. I need all kinds of verbal reassurance and I worry about things when they don't seem happy. I tend to run from situations that involve other people being upset about things because I don't know how to handle it or how to comfort them. Grief is always a private thing for me. I'm a horrible friend when it comes to negative situations. I'm a hermit crab quickly retreating into my shell.

This really is a bad, bad idea. I keep thinking of more awful things to say about me. I'm going to stop now! Totally ruined the point.

Goodnight my friends.

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