Something about Something

Mom and I went to a haunted something or other this evening. It wasn't very scary but I enjoyed listening to her scream. I couldn't get past the reality of all the "monsters" being men in masks. The only time I felt truly frightened was when they put us in the meat locker thing and closed the door. It was a real freezer. It was turned off, of course, but there we were, locked inside a metal box (with a "madman" and "bodyparts") As they were herding us into the freezer I was trying to reason with those behind me, "This is a freezer, it isn't the way out. We can't go in here. There is no door. This is a freezer." We went in the freezer. And as soon as that door shut I started feeling afraid. OH MY GOSH I'M LOCKED IN A BOX! The then the door opened and the the "madman" allowed us to exit. Whew. Crises averted.

School this semester is much more taxing that I had anticipated. I'm working a lot less but I feel. . . Stretched thin. I'm going to school and tutoring and working and I just want to sleep in once in a while.

It just occurred to me that my mother was my only option for haunted house going this evening. How sad. Well, I'll go find my comfort in a book about something that could never ever happen.

Hey, do you ever wonder if you have already passed the time when you were the best you would ever be?

Sarah Jo

To uplifting glimpses:

Life is like one of those puzzles, where the picture is all mixed up and you have to move the pieces around to put the picture back together. You have to move things really far from where they belong sometimes, and it seems to work against your goal, but its really moving the whole contraption closer to the way it should be. And sometimes, you will get a glimpse of the real picture, maybe four squares together, and you have your secret triumph over it. But, maybe the four pieces are supposed to be in the other corner, so you tear it apart again.

So, sometimes in life we get those glimpses of the big picture, the way things are supposed to be. Sometimes the picture is right but the time and place aren't, so it all falls apart and we mourn it. Everything was working out! And things don't make sense so often. Things aren't working and we don't understand why things happen, why we have these setbacks and these challenges and these changes. We cannot see the whole picture and we do not understand how all these strange pieces fit together.

We are shattered and broken in this life, for so many reasons. I don't know what made you crack, but surely you are/were in pieces and just like the puzzle, you are missing that last piece, that corner.

But it is not hopeless, and the broken pieces of who you are supposed to be, what your life is supposed to be, can be mended to form that picture, even the missing piece, if you allow it. Unlike us, God knows what the whole picture is supposed to be, and He can fill that hole. So many times in my life, I do not understand how the pieces fit together; I do not know why things are happening the way they are. But I know that Gods hands are on the puzzle of my life, taking this shattered mess I have created and turning it into something beautiful, something whole.

It is tempting, (as I have often given in) to seize control and try to fix it yourself. The whole processes is slow and sometimes painful and never very clear. But for today, I relinquish my control, hold tight to my faith, and trust my Lord to do one better than all the kings horses and all the kings men.

Mourning for yesterday. . .

Christopher and I used to be close. We used to spend time together doing this or that. But now, its never just him. I havent seen just Christopher in many months. Its always Chris and Amber or Chris and three other boys. If he is not staying all night with someone else, then several someone else's are staying all night with us. And even when he is staying all night somewhere, Amber is here. Even when he is playing ball at the park, Amber is here. Sometimes she has friends over. I miss my house just being a place for family. I never feel at home becasue I'm never sure just who might come walking through the room.

Okay, I'm done complaining now.

Story time!

Once upon a time. . . or this morning, I opened up my trunk to retrieve my backpack and a BAT FLEW OUT OF MY TRUNK!

I shrieked.

The End.

Sarah Jo

Reniassance Festival.

I want to go.

I wrote a poem about you. . .

I guess I dont say much anymore. I used to write those long, introspective entries all the time. (Is that was this is going to be?) But. . . I don't do that so often. Why?

I dont know for sure, but I have tons of ideas.
I won't list them.

Classes started and I know that this semester will be challanging but nothing I cannot handle.
I've been writing a lot of poetry lately. That, I had not done for a while either, but I was inspired. This will not, however, become my forum for posting every single thing I write. That would either get very boring for you or very personal for me and neither one of us likes both of those possibilities.

But I've found that I've already said everything I wanted to say in a less wordy, but more eloquent style.

One that note,
I take my leave.

Sarah Jo

I never thought I would admit this but. . .

My throat hurts.




From talking too much.
Oops.

Sarah Jo

You and I.

Do you remember the stories our mothers told us?
We used to run around naked together
abandoning onesie and diaper for the promise of
freedom,
You and I.

Do you remember playing in Grandma’s pool?
We must have played The Little Mermaid
and our pretend-games hundreds of times
in that water,
You and I.

Do you remember talking for hours in the dark?
We would giggle across the blackness
chasing away fear and holding today hostage
in the way of youth,
You and I.

Do you remember the first books we read together?
We escape so often to our fantasy lands of
Hogwarts, Partholon, Alagasia, Atlantis,
and Narnia,
You and I.

Do you know what is going to happen tomorrow?
We cannot hold the day hostage anymore
but I know that many stories I have yet to tell
will certainly end with:
You and I.

OUCH!

The toilet seat broke, snapped right in half. I didn't notice before I recieved an unexpected pinch. My mothers solution: wrap a washcloth around it. My current state of almost-germaphob-ness would not allow this to continue. My plan, now carried out, involved me learning where the toilet seats are located at lowes, and discovering that I don't need a man to fix it, just directions.

Flaming Marshmallows! (do not taste good)

Something about smores around a fire, a girly movie, and a perfect Sunday. Details are better left to the imagination. I like writing in cursive and watching movies and the way your facial expressions change as you tell me about something you find engrossing. I live in anticipation and excitement over the smallest things and I'm easily distracted and disappointed and I like spending time with people more than I like to hear, "I love you." Delighted, that's what I am. With the way the sun shines through the raindrops on my windshield and the way my purse unzips all the way and the way the ink flows out of that pen so liquid and dark and rich. I like to talk too much and tell you everything little thing I think about every little thing until I think you don't care anymore. And I like spontaneity AND structure. Its comforting to have a routine but its fun to decide at 7:20 that we should go see the 7:30 movie. I want to say the same thing over and over because I like saying it so much and I want you to listen because you like being with me that much. And I

am done.

Sarah Jo

how much I love Him

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. Now, I don't usually like the girl movies; I like science fiction and fantasy and all things completely and totally fictional. But that movie. . . I like happy endings.

This weekend was nice. I spent most of it with my family. I never had so much fun going to the grocery store. Today was one of those days that could repeat itself over and over again to my infinite satisfaction. But no, tomorrow draws nigh with its own joys and disappointments.

And I did get upset this weekend. I got very upset. I cried. And I walked away again just like I always do when I'm hurt. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of unforgivness and suspicion. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay as long as we don't talk about it. I'm tired having to choose sides even though everyone tells me it has nothing to do with me, that I shouldn't worry about it. I should worry about it! And I have chosen.

God has always been my joy. He has always been my peace. He has been my song and my teacher and the greatest love of my life. Lately, He has been my comfort, He has been my healer, and my provider, all these things, in ways I never understood before. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer relationship, and now I understand that for Him to be my comfort, I need to need comfort. If He is to be my provider, I have to be in a place that requires being provided for. I have to fall down every once in a while to understand just how well, how often, how fast, He will pick me up, dust me off, and set me right again. Words cannot adequately express. . .

So I just played the same song over and over again on the way home and it did make me feel a little better.

Just close your eyes and sit so still you can feel your heartbeat everywhere. That's where that happy starts.

Mmm. Delicious happiness. I like the feeling that, right now, I am exactly where I want to be. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don't think I could define exactly what is so happy. I just finished a book with a happy ending. I'm not falling all over that boy anymore. And you know what? He knew I liked him, he told me he didn't feel the same, and it wasn't the end of the world, like I thought it would be. Okay. It was okay. And. . . Lets see. . . I just had a three day weekend, that was two days longer than usual. And I've discovered, again, that God always takes care of me. He always makes things better right before that panic moment. There's always the initial, "oh, that's not good". That feeling slowly builds into a more defined stress/anxiety. And then right before I freak out, so to speak, *poof*, Jesus is magic, and I'm happy again. So yeah. God is good, all the time. . .

You know, if I never needed Him, I wouldn't know how much I need him. If I never fell on my face, I wouldn't know what it was like to be picked up and dusted off. If life was never hard, I wouldn't know the God of comfort. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer, deeper relationship. And I understand now that sometimes to know that God is peace, I need to experience chaos. To know that God is my healer, I need to experience pain. I keep falling deeper into the greatest love I'll ever know and it just gets better and better.

This is what happiness feels like.




*Note: So, I was doing spell-check and apparently I spelled "exactly" wrong somehow by switching the last four letters around and the options I was given to replace it with were: ejaculate, ejaculated, ejaculates, ejaculating, ejaculation, ejaculations. Yeah, because that's what I meant by "exaclty". Computers. *rolls eyes*

We don’t know how to say goodbye

So
We are standing here
in the parking lot
again
shifting our weight
from one foot
to the other
somewhere near your car
or mine
or some place between them
talking about arbitrary things
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

So
we are talking
on the phone
again
our ears have long since
turned red
and the moments of silence
are growing
longer and longer
nevertheless, we stay on
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

So
maybe it’s not that
we have terribly interesting
things to share
or that
we don’t spend enough time
together
maybe
I just enjoy your presence
and everything you have to say
and I certainly don’t mind
laughing with you
for one more minute
and another
and another

I do know how to say goodbye
I just don’t want to.

Playing Ketchup

I haven't posted in a while. What's happened? I was baptized on June 25 and it was much awesome. It was a beautiful day and everything was perfect. And. . . Oh, my birthday was last weekend. That was fun. Friday I got a Relient K shirt in the mail I wasn't expecting. Saturday I went shopping after work and then I went to my aunts house for what I thought was dinner but ended up being my birthday party complete with ice cream cake. Yay. Ashley and I made a midnight trip to Super Wal-Mart, and, consequently, I slept through church on Sunday. But I did meet Nika for some slushy-drinking and mall-shopping and she gave me flowers! Not only were they flowers, they were PINK flowers! It was very nice. I had never gotten flowers before and everytime I look at them it makes me smile and feel happy inside. Yay. Then, I went to the movies and dinner with Joanie, Kaitlynn, and Elisabeth. The awesome times didn't end at the weekend though, because today I had lunch with my favorite girls. It was just wonderful and surprising and I liked every moment of it. I liked the surprises very much. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have several papers to write that are kind of due tomorrow. Hehe.

Sarah Jo