Squeeze Back

I find, I do not miss people very much until I see them. (Well, with the exception. (And my heart still aches for you. (You, who will not read this. Not for a very, very long time.))) And so it was, when I saw Johnna today. I do not know her very well, but I think that she is the coolest person I have ever met. More unique beauty, I have not seen in anyone else. I wish wonderful things for her. I do think of Johnna often, because she gave me two Relient K CD's (my favorite) and I listen to them everyday. Anyway, thinking about a person and missing them are two different things. Its like, I think I miss them, but then I see them and my mind and soul cry out joy for it, and oh, how I've missed you.

The worst missing I have ever experienced is with the babies. When I haven't seen the two E's for a while, I just want to hold them for a bit until I am satisfied. Oh, how I've missed you. Give me a hug. No, you are supposed to squeeze back, silly.

Wow. I'm done with this thought.

The distance between us.

What I would give
to tell you everything,
I do not know.
My heart beats faster
and my palms dampen
even at the thought of it.
And that time
I almost told you
something real
my breath came
laboriously
and I could not
sit still.
Sometimes,
my only courage
is the distance between us.

I do indeed.

I decided today,
under no uncertain terms,
for the first time,
without condition,
after careful examination,
without prejudice,
or bias,
that,
I do indeed,
like me,
and you should too.

Wonderful, with me.

I am filled with silences where the roaring words will not do. It seems emotion is rushing through my veins but I know that it is adrenaline. It seems that though you are not here, you speak to me and I quake at the thought of it. It reminds me of a story I read, "Liar", by Isaac Asimov. (I wont explain the whole thing to you. If you are interested enough, read I, Robot.) Is this the truth, or my own delusion? I do not know if my desires will come to fruition, or even if they should, or even if I really want them to. I only know that right now I feel something and it is wonderful. Please stay here, wonderful, with me.

I miss you.

I wish I could be in that place again, when you and I were together for a moment (not really together though) and we made each other happy. In that moment you were all I wanted anyone to be and you made me feel that I was all you wanted me to be, and I was just being me. In that moment I showed you everything, even my ugly things, and you made me feel beautiful. I was scared to death and you made it worth while.

Even now as I remember how I smiled till my cheeks hurt, I cannot find that feeling that made me do so. My memory is not adequate enough for this and I just want to say: I miss you.

My Mistress

If I be married to the light,
I find my mistress in the dark.
She seduces me
with her shadowy curves
and fleeting embrace.

Always I need you.

Almost like floating in warm water, this feeling. I am comfortable and safe and weightless. Here, I will go where you take me, because you never take me by force. Gently, you blow across the waters and they take me where you will. Today, I will not fight the current. Today, I will be with you. I will not say that I have no fear; I fear much. I will not say that my faith is great, for I have found, my faith, and my love, are conditional. I love you when I am happy. I love you when I am safe. . . There have been, and will be, times when I doubt you, when I don't want to believe in you. (Always in my heart I long for your nearness. Always I need you.)

I ask today: Let me feel this way always. (Even as the feeling is evaporating.)

Confound Me.

Inspire me.
Break down my defenses
and
hurt me.
Make me
lose
my footing,
fall into your arms.
Remind me
how weak
I really am.
Show me
how much
I need you,
because
right now
that's what
I need
of you.
Touch me.
For Goodness Sake
touch me.
Show me
you.
Show me
everything.
Close my eyes
and imprison me
in darkness
(for a moment)
so that when you
open my eyes again
I will really see you.
Make me feel
something
anything.
Don't let me
end all my sentences
in periods.
I don't want grammar;
I want emotion.
I don't order;
I want you.
Maybe
I don't need
to understand everything.
Maybe
I only need
you.
Maybe a poem doesn't have to hug the left margin.

Or be at the

center

of the page.

• I will never surprise you.
• You will never forget me.

These things confound me.

1. You loved me.
2. I loved you.

And in that order, too.

Memories and made-up things.

I'm drifting in the swirling pool of thought that is my mind. Every once in a while I bump into solid thought, but I quickly bounce off and spin out into some new direction. Here where the colors swirl into one, I see shades I've never seen before. Maybe there are a million colors I've never seen. I feel defined by the lack of variety in the colors of the world. I want more.  Images flash before my minds eye of a thousand memories and made-up things.  I see things I have never even seen before. Like the face of the protagonist of my favorite story. Maybe this is a face I have seen before, a face I decided to give this character, a face stored in the vast storage bank inside my brain. There are things here I never knew I knew. I put things away in section. I cant hold them all at once so I store them. I forget where I put them. What did I file it under? You ask me if I remember the time we. . . and I don't. You say it was raining. I don't remember. You say it smelled like cotton candy and then I know. I believe we remember everything that ever happened to us, we just file it away somewhere and then forget where we put it. Maybe we only use a small fraction of our brain because the rest is storage. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. I read in a book that there are endless possibilities for the human gene. That we could multiply endlessly without ever creating two alike human beings. That we do anyway. This makes me feel things. There can never be another human being just like me.  Drifting away from this thought, now I am somewhere else. I finished a book last night and the whole world of it is still saturating my brain. I interact with the characters in my head looking for the answers to the questions. When I read I cannot wait to get to the end to find out what happens and I am thoroughly disappointed when it is all over. I like books that come in a series for this reason, because then it is not really over. But I finished my book last night and I have a taste of something and I want more. Bring it to me. I want to sit back and observe the world some more. I want to be in the ever-growing city and watch the waters flow into the room with the great pool. I want to walk along the tunnels under the city and see its naked edge. I want to hold the hand of the protagonist as we rush toward the climax of the story. I want to be there again, because it was beautiful.

Dont quote me on this.

I wanted change. I get tired of things staying the same. I will say that this is because I have moved quite a bit in my lifetime and everytime we moved it was to a better place. Life improved with each move, each change. So change for me is positive, I think. Well, this is what I believe today. (don't quote me on this) I like change in decoration mostly. I paint my room often and I get new bedclothes and I rearrange everything and then I feel better. I want to move now, as a matter of fact. I would love to live in Carlisle, near the rest of my family. Well, near most of my family. I would rather be there than here. There is nothing here for me anymore. I am not in high school. I don't have to worry about living in the district and all that stupid crap. I can move now. Some of my best friends are moving away to college. Anyway, I am not bound by how far my parents are willing to drive me anymore. I can drive myself. I can go anywhere. I have my freedom now. Hey guys, if you want to go do anything, I can drive us anywhere.

I was thinking about going to china a lot today. Mostly because I got my immunization and my arm is a little sore and that was enough reminder for me. I am excited. I'm very excited. I cannot wait to meet my new cousin, wherever she is. How must Joanie feel? Its her own daughter, in the care of strangers until we can go get her. I want her right now. I want to hold her and let her know that she is loved and wanted and needed.

It is heavy upon my heart to adopt my own child from China one day. I am more sure of this than I am of anything. I need to. My heart aches. This is my job. I can save one child. Maybe I can save two.

Well, I've resisted the temptation to read my book long enough. I have given you my attention, now, its Isaac Asimov's turn.

Forgot my books, got lost, late for class, pop quiz. . .

I had bad dreams about going to school which means that weather or not I choose to admit it, I'm nervous. I'm afraid that Ill mess something up or that I don't know enough. I don't even know what it is that I don't know. No, I don't know what I mean.

I'm struggling with something. No, that's not it. I know that I shouldn't do this thing but I do it anyway because I like it. Its okay with some and not with others. Don't worry, no one knows what I mean, and I wont tell you. But anyway. . . It all depends on what I believe weather it is wrong or not. No, correction: who I believe. Anyway, enough of that.

Well, No, I'm done for tonight.

Shut up/(and love me back)/I like boys/ Is this a poem?

I couldnt decide on a title, you pick.

I like boys
(Even though
I fear them
-shhh (Its a Secret))
I want one
of my very own
and somehow
Im not allowed to
say this
(People usually laugh
or change colors)
And girls say
"You dont want one,
boys are sooo much
trouble"
and then they go
and call their boyfriends
Heh.
I want
. . .
growth
or change
a new relationship
(Of course, Im not entirely sure that "new" is the correct word to use if there is no previous relationship to be described as "old")
I want to experience.
I want to feel.
I want to hurt
and love
and laugh
and cry.
I want to get my heart broken.
I want to completely abandon myself.
Shut up
and love me back.

And then I found it.

So today I lost my purse for awhile. I was very upset. My purse contains my keys, my money, my Social Security Card, my id, my MUM id, my immunization referall, my atm card. . . Can you imagine how long it would take me to replace all that? So anyway, I was late for work because I had to call my dad and have him drive me to work. I cried. My mom found my purse. It was underneath the chair in the living room, somehow. I dont know how these things happen, but I was very relieved. I cannot describe to you the level of deppresion I experienced when I thought my purse was gone. Whew. Sweet relief. How can I be so dependent on material things? I dont like it. I dont like it at all.

 

 

Just checkin in.

I found a new author I like. Well, not a new author, I just started reading him. Issac Asimov. Cool stuff. Really feeds the sci-fi geek in me. Yep.

Well, I think Ill go read now.

My "F" word poem.

I wasnt going to write anything, because I feel I dont have anything interesting to say, but, I still want to talk, so there. I watched The fifth element today. I think Ill watch it agian. I love that movie.

Maybe I could just give you another poem and that would fill my creative quota for the day. Is that okay? Okay. Here it is.


The "F" Word

Your every other word starts with an "f"
And rhymes with stuck
Yes, that’s what you will be
If you keep it up

Your frequent use of this word
Is ever so persistent
Your I.Q. must be very low
And vocabulary, non-existent

You use it as an adjective, verb, noun
In every sentence
You’ve even mastered all its forms
In all the sense and tenses

I did not mind so much
That you would fill your mouth with trash
‘Till through the air and to my ears
Did this garbage pass

Your right of speech you have obtained
And used it plentifully
But disposed of and forgotten
Is your right to purity

Please keep in mind those around
Whose ears your words will rape
And learn the virtue of silence, or vocabulary,
For goodness sake!