Sunday, February 21, 2010

These feelings won't go away. They've been knocking me sideways.


That is my, "I'm overwhelmed" sound. Ahh! Because I have all these feelings and thoughts and I can't work through them and I don't know how to talk about them.

I just got home from a trip to the comedy club with a few of my friends. I was the DD. That was just fine because 1.) I'm sick and don't need to be drinking. 2.) I wouldn't even drive home from our central location if I did drink. And most importantly 3.) I don't need to be drinking around Jeremy, especially when he is drinking.

Lets talk about 3.

Jeremy gets really friendly when he drinks. I mean, friendlier than normal. New Years Eve being the perfect example. And I get really, really honest. And the honest part of me wants to touch that man even if the rational part of me says that would be something like driving during a level 3 snow emergency (Sorry, using current experiences here.) Sure, everything might turn out okay, but that is a dangerous, dangerous risk to take. I am adventurous but some part of me still longs for safety.

Even so. It is very hard. Harder than it used to be. Harder than I thought it would be.

So many things I never expected to happen keep happening.

Like this look I keep occasionally seeing in mens eyes. I think it is interest, though I can't be sure. And I don't know what to do with that. And when I went on that first date last weekend and he held my hand and traced invisible patterns on my arms I thought I would just die right there. I have no idea what was happening in the movie. My whole being was focused on the fingers roving over my skin.

I've never had that kind of attention before. It was nice. Very nice. But strange and overwhelming and it made me feel ridiculous because don't most normal people go through these experiences in middle school? High school? Not being 23 years old and holding hands during a movie for the first time ever.

But I'm not healthy. Because when I looked at that man, everything wrong with him was that he wasn't Jeremy. It isn't fair to hold hands with a person and wish he was someone else. My mind knows that I need to move on. My heart hasn't figured out how to yet.

I tried disconnecting myself. Don't talk to me for a few days, I told him. And I didn't hang out with him. But the days felt so long. I missed him. Even when he pissed me off. Even when he didn't understand why I was angry. And now it feels back to normal. Back before things got all complicated. Back when he was my favorite person.

But it isn't right that I can't see other guys. I look at them and I just don't care. If he doesn't want me, I should learn to want someone else. But I haven't figured that part out yet.

I think things like: This guy isn't very masculine. Isn't very strong. Jeremy is strong. He is manly and dangerous and muscley. This guy isn't interesting. Jeremy is so captivating with his stories and his little dances and songs and the way he pushes my buttons and the way he looks when he is angry. This guy is so nice, it can't be real. Jeremy would pick at me and make fun of me just to talk his way out of it and he would say exactly what he was thinking even if it isn't politically correct and then when it IS nice it means so much more.

I could keep going. Not healthy.

And then there is this new thing. I think last weekend some kind of flip was switched inside of me and now this new part of me is alive when before I only suspected its existence. And what I cannot say is that this new part of me wants to focus on him too.

Before, way back when, I didn't have any idea what it felt like to be physically attracted to a person. I was too scared. Too removed. Then I learned those feelings. Before, I didn't know what it was to have someone physically attracted to me. Then I learned those feelings.

I have some processing to do. Because it is awful to sit next to my best friend and want to move closer, knowing that isn't what he wants. But even more awful would be to lose my best friend.

So many, many things to learn. I have no idea if I even made my point. It is late and I should go to bed.

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