Yesterday I grabbed the wrong end of my razor and it cut three parallel slices across the tip of my finger that quickly turned into one chunk. Now it hurts to type. Well, it hurts to let my finger touch anything at all. I just wanted you to better understand just how much I wanted to write.
(I have nothing particular to say.)
Last night I was supposed to hang out with Johnna but she canceled on me. Instead I made bread in my new breadmaker (honey oat wheat) and tried a new soup (peanut butter chicken vegetable) and then got bored. So I texted Jaylene to see if she was busy. She wasn't. We ended up getting smoothies (bahama mama, no white chocolate, extra cocunut, made with splenda instead of turbinado, add matcha green tea) and found a bar to karaoke in. It was a lot of fun.
When we first walked in, a man stopped us and said he had to buy me a drink. I asked him why and he said he had been one of my customers at some point and I had been more nice and helpful than he expected and he still remembered me and wanted to buy me a drink. We let him buy us drinks. He came over to visit us at our table a few times and it became apparent to me that he was interested in Jaylene. For the first several songs, Jaylene and I would go up together when either one of us was singing but once I noticed his interest I made sure to tell her she could stay at the table so he could get to the part where he expressed his interest and she would turn him down (she isn't single) and I wouldn't have to watch. Things went according to plan.
When I returned and he left Jaylene explained that he had asked if we both taken. They are always taken, he said. She told him she was but I wasn't. He said he thought I would be too nice for him. She said he would be surprised about how untrue that was. He told her he could hardly flirt with a girl after flirting with her friend all night. But he did then start paying a lot more attention to me after that.
That is the story. My feelings follow:
It was nice having someone buy me a drink, for whatever the reason. It made me feel good that my customers remember me even after time has passed. That my cheerfulness and smile are actually noticed. I try. And some days it is so hard to be kind and friendly and joyful when I have had people yell at me or a problem in my personal life or whatever. This reminds me that 5 minutes of kindness can have a lasting effect. And unforeseen rewards, apparently.
It was familiar watching a man flirt with my friend. It is always my friend. It is never me. I don't know if it is still my weight or if I don't seem sexy or flirty or interested enough. It isn't ever me. I get the kind of attention men give to "the friend" so they seem personable and friendly. So they don't seem rude. It is familiar,but not good. It makes me feel unseen. Unnoticeable. Just sad.
But when he found out she was taken, he didn't do the normal thing where they go away and don't come back. He did come back and started paying attention to me. Enough so some other man came over and told me, "I believe that boy is sweet on you and wanted to make sure you knowed it!" (He was from Virginia and I was trying to catch the accent.) I feel flattered that he considered me worth his attention. His compliments made me blush. I was nervous that he would ask me something I would have to say no to because I wasn't interested. But I was also a little offended. He was right, you don't flirt with a girl after flirting with her friend all night.
I'm not at my goal weight yet. I have STILL never been in a relationship. I have no idea how a person is supposed to play that game dating people play with one another. My mother has told me I am "the same nice to everyone" so it would be hard to tell if I was interested. I'm cute and not sexy. I'm friendly and not flirty. I'm smart and not playful. Still, despite all the reasons a person might not be attracted to me, I don't want to be someones second choice.
That was what I came here to say.