Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I feel: content, impatient, satisfied, frustrated, grateful, guilty, hopeful, and loving today.

I'm considering going to sleep at 9:30. That sounds ridiculous. I'm sleepy though.

I have laundry to fold and my room is a mess and I really need to take a shower and I wanted to make Christine a list of all the reasons I think she is awesome and I wanted to write.

Clearly, you see where my priorities lie. Writing makes me feel better. I don't know why. Quit demanding explanations! Oh. Right. No one demanded anything.

I could probably spend forever talking about this or that feeling or this one thing that happened today and how it illustrates everything and forever. Blah Blah Blah. I like to make connections. I like everything to make sense.

I haven't lost weight in nearly a year now. I'm starting to feel fat again. No, I already feel fat again. Like that horrible helpless feeling I felt right before I started losing weight. Except this time I know what to do. And this time I know I CAN do it. Probably. I lost 100lbs and then some. Can I keep going? Sure I can! Then why haven't I?

First, the horrible, awful, terrible things about being morbidly obese all but disappeared. It stopped sucking so much and so I let myself get complacent. Because counting calories sucks. Honestly. There is so much planning involved! It is super hard to be social and count calories at the same time. And I got a lot more social when I got happy with me.

WOW. Did you see all those excuses? I could have kept going too! I sound like a person that doesn't really want to lose weight, don't I? I don't sound motivated at all. Pathetic. No more. Because I know how it feels to feel healthy and successful and happy with me and I don't feel that way now. I feel fat and disappointed and like a failure. I mean, people have stopped asking the question, "How much have you lost NOW?" because I kept saying, "Oh, still the same." No more!

I feel so gross. So guilty. So unhappy with me. This is going to stop. Now.

In other news, (it's 9:27) I waited on this customer today that I just wanted to keep talking to. He was so beautiful and smart and kind and talkative and engaging. He was married. That's not sad though. I mean, he deserved to be happy from the five minutes I talked to him and he kind of glowed extra when he spoke of his wife. The point of this is that it gave me hope. Because I was all, "I am a messed up human being who can't see past the man that doesn't want her and can't move on boo hoo hoo ect." And then that man had a completely different energy about him. Nothing about him reminded me in the least bit of Jeremy and I was interested. So maybe I'm not broken. Maybe I just need to think of it as not finding someone "as good" as him but rather, just someone different. No comparison. Just different.

I am SO impatient. One would think that all the waiting I have had to do in my lifetime would teach me endless patience. No. Not at all. Maybe God keeps trying to teach me patience and I just keep not learning it. I am am patient with people. Slow to anger. Not easily aggravated. Pretty quick to forgive. But I am completely and totally impatient for waiting. Even when I can see the reason. NOW. NOW. NOW!

It must be boring for you to watch me repeat myself time and again, but I would implore you to imagine how it is to feel the same thing over and over again. Like being on that carnival ride, The Scrambler. Getting thrown towards the same faces in the crowd in a series of jerks. One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four.

I have nothing new to add. No new insights to add. Tell me other people feel this way.

Because I am a whole, healthy person. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I AM happy. I'm freakin joyful. I have many good friends and I feel content most of the time. But I am curious and lonely and impatient in a way that no social time fulfills. I don't need a man to complete me. I don't need my "other half", but I really want a partner. A teammate. My Person. I might have this completely unrealistic idea about what it is like to be with another person, but I'm completely ready to try. Correct me, please.

In other news, (it's 9:42) I have/had plans with different people every night of the week. I feel popular.

Sunday - visiting and smoothies with Jaylene
Monday - DDR with Jaylene, Dennis, Katy, and Paul
Tuesday - gym, chipotle, smoothies with Ashley
Wednesay - movie night with Sarah R.
Thursady - lunch with Christine, dinner with Sarah M.
Friday - birthday celebration with Nika and co.
Saturday - something as yet decided with Johnna
Sunday - hanging out with Jeremy

Being social makes me feel good. I just wish it was summer so the list could include more things like hiking, biking, walking, swimming and less food and sitting around. Maybe I can work some more dancing and gym time in there somewhere. Gym is pretty much a given between work and social time, but if people join me it is so much better.

There is something delicious about the way the keys feel when I type fast.

This week I made lists for several of my friends just about the things I like about them. They seem to like that. It helps me pay attention to why I like people instead of just assuming everyone is excellent. If I can' t make a list, maybe there is a problem. And I have a really horrible time seeing the way other people see me. I don't want anyone else to wonder how I feel about them. I want to be open and affirming and honest. I want the people I love to know not only that I love them, but why. That it is not just some arbitrary thing given after a certain period of time. It is because of all the wonderful things they are, what we are together, and how they make me feel to be around them. "I love you" isn't enough. I can't find words enough. I make lists. I spend time with them. I hug them and tell them nice things and listen to stories and show up even when I maybe don't want to. I wonder if anyone ever really understands how another person feels. "I love you" seems diluted to me.

I think I will really go to bed now. Being sick for almost three weeks (so far) makes a person tired. Or maybe it is the social schedule? Either way, I'm beat!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"I love you" can mean so many things to so many different people. It's quite amazing, really.

You are fortunate to have this many friends that support you.

Your day will come.