Monday, February 08, 2010

Jaylene and Dennis made me laugh until it hurt.

I really think my happiness is greatly affected by my social life. I am happier when I've spent time with people I like, who seem to like me. I feel more connected to the world when I feel connected to just one person for just a little while. Sad days for me are the ones I spend alone. Even un-initiated text messages from a friend is enough to make me feel better.

It doesn't matter if I have debt. It doesn't matter if my career isn't satisfying. It doesn't matter if my home life is terrible. It doesn't matter if I'm not satisfied with my weight. If I have people around that love me and spend time with me, I can find happiness every single day.

So Friday was so terrible I wasn't sure I would be okay. It was the hardest thing I had tried to do alone in a long, long time. And it was so hard that it had physical ramifications. I stressed so much I actually hurt myself. But then there was this outpouring of love and support from my friends and family that made me realize that I don't have to do it alone, if only I can learn to trust people enough to need them.

And that is a lesson that will take me some time to learn. Because sometimes the people I decide to trust and need turn out to be the ones that hurt me the most. But we can't find love without risking our hearts. And the closer a person is to us, the easier they can inflict damage. But who wants to keep everyone at arms length? That would make for some terrible, terrible hugs.

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