What would you say, I wonder, if I told you this?
And then I talk about you too much. No one says it, but they make assumptions that aren't true. How can I explain how I love you? Its a love that is content with what is. I don't want anything from you that you don't already give. I don't hope for more than what is there. I am content. I have enough. But no one would believe that. I don't even believe it.
I don't understand a feeling like this. One that fills me up and yet doesn't hope for more. I understood the way it felt to yearn for more and never get enough. I knew how it was to be looked over, ignored, not good enough for attention. But you see me and spend time with me and make me feel worth attention. And you talk to me and make me laugh and make me feel safe. What more should I hope for?
And then when you aren't with me I wonder. What are you doing now? Are you happy or anxious or bored? Will you tell me stories about it when I see you again? What would you do if you were here right now? I'm sure you would say something funny to lighten the mood. I'm sure you would know if that was honeysuckle. You would probably make fun of me for doing that. You would have gotten that spiderweb and when I wandered down that path and changed my mind, you would have pushed me forward, into an adventure.
I would call you my best friend but that feels wrong. Doesn't my best friend have to be a girl? And it seems like I should know you longer before I use a word like that. And if you were my best friend I should feel comfortable telling you how much I enjoy you. But I'm not completely honest about it. I fear saying it too much, too honestly. Because the gender is all wrong, I think. I don't want you to misunderstand. Because I don't even understand. But I don't want to ruin things with my confusion. I've seen the aftermath of saying the wrong thing. But can I tell you that I love you? It isn't the kind of love that make me want to touch you and make promises. Its the kind of love that makes me want to unravel your secrets and help bear your burdens and share adventures and see what you do next. Its the kind of love that makes me want to somehow make your life better.
But I worry. Maybe I shouldn't talk to you for a few days in case you need a break from me. You need breaks from other people, you probably need them from me too. Its always harder for me the more time I spend with a person. It gets easier to not miss people the longer they are gone. So I think about you most often the day after I see you. A couple days later and I'm thinking about other stuff mostly. I don't think other people are like this. I think other people are the opposite.
And it scares me to care for people too much. I know what it is to love someone and have them completely disregard anything that matters to me. I know what it is to be left behind and forgotten, reeling from the sudden hole left in my life. It makes me want to keep a safe distance. I want to shore up a secret part of myself that could survive if you decided to morph into one of those monsters that people become. I don't want to give you all of myself. I don't do that for anyone anymore. Not after last time. I couldn't survive that again.
I wanted to tell you that my standard for people is higher now. If people like you exist, then I don't want to settle for less than that. There are good things about you I didn't know people could be. I don't know if you are the only one, but how could I dare hope for less than what I've seen in you? Now when I meet my Person, I'm going to be holding up this invisible you-shaped measuring stick. Does he meet the standard? He's going to have to be a little more broken than you though. I'm terribly, terribly messed up inside. Someone equally messed up should be with me so neither one of us feels not good enough. I'm awfully tired of feeling not good enough.
Now I just want to listen to you talk. Sometimes when you are talking I try to figure out exactly what response would keep you talking. Sometimes the answer is silence and silence is hard for me. But I want to know what you think and how you feel and what you wonder about and what plagues you at night and what you are hopeful for and all kinds of other things. I want you to be able to tell me anything like you said I could tell you anything.
I have written SO much about this and still words flood into my fingertips. I am at war with myself about whether or not to post this. I want to speak. I want to be heard. But I don't know if I should speak this to you. I don't know if you would read this anyway. But then I nearly always say too much. And I've never gotten a bad response from you.
Is everyone else so terrified of actually getting close to people? Is it always this scary to love someone?