Monday, August 24, 2009

What if it hurts?

I just wanted to write and then I got distracted by all kinds of stuff. The baby came in and decided she likes me today. She is actually talking a lot more now. Its her birthday today. When she climbed into my bed I saw the bottoms of her feet were completely black so I talked her into going into the bathroom so I could wash her feet. Then we came back to my room where I proceeded to spray her with body spray and put lotion on her feet and legs. I massaged her little feet while she decided to rub lotion on her belly in circles.

There is something about taking care of a persons feet that feels like saying I love you. Washing away the dirt and smoothing out the skin of her two-year-old little feet seemed important to me. Then I washed her face and (tried to) brush her teeth and I carried her around the house with me while I washed my face and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. She talked to me about stuff in nonsense words and I told her what I was doing and why. It was very, very nice. It kind of made me want to have a little person like that one day. One day far, far away. But one day. And the little person would be part me and part some man I love and I could make sure that her little feet and teeth and face were clean every night before she went to bed. I could make sure she ate healthy foods and played outside in the sun (with sunscreen) and got read to often and participated in stimulating activities and knew what it was to be loved unconditionally. But this baby, I only get to see her for minutes at a time and she watches TV too much and eats junk food and drinks pops. Its awful. I'm going to talk about something else.

Well yesterday I went out to lunch with Krystal and it was satisfying because I missed her so darn much. Then we went hiking with Jeremy and things seemed weird and he was quiet and I couldn't figure out why. It made me worry and I was uncomfortable until he told us that Reese was sick and dying and he had to dig the grave that morning. I was sad to hear that and relieved that he finally told us. Later that night Jeremy and I went to PF Changs. We saw Nika, or rather, Nika saw us as she screamed my name across the restaurant. She complimented Jeremys hair and that unnerved him because he has brought it up several times since then.

After dinner we went to Lil Chicagos to see some bands with Johnna. Sarah was there and offered to buy Jeremys drinks. He drank alot. So did Sarah. Drunk people are sure fun to watch but I was ready to go home and was glad when Jeremy suggested that because Sarah kept wanting to play pool. It smelled so bad in there. So bad. Jeremy gets really, really nice when he drinks. He told me I smelled sweet like sugar and that I drove him home with grace and beauty. And he said I have a beautiful voice. It was really nice to hear that last one because I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of him. He notices absolutely everything I was afraid he would only hear everything I'm doing wrong when I sing. But I guess I don't have to be so nervous. He seems to see the good in me. I don't understand that when I'm so used to focusing on the bad parts.

I stayed for a little while because I wanted to make sure he took a vitamin and drank enough water. We started watching a french movie and I was getting sleepy. So, I left before I got too tired to drive. Apparently I left too early because he threw up a lot after that. I should have stayed. I should have been there to take care of him.

And then Sunday we all went to see Inglorious Bastards. That was after I made myself breakfast and reveled in the joy of another pound lost. When we all drove off after the movie I was worrying about Jeremy because he had to go home and bury Reese. Krystal had church and Billy had work and I didn't know if Jeremy was a person that needed to be alone or needed to be distracted after sad stuff so I asked if he would go to Chipotle with me. I never know what to say or do when sad stuff happens. When its me, I try to think about anything else at all. But what about other people? So I wasn't sure if I should ask about Reese or talk about other things. Jeremy noticed. He notices everything. Well hopefully not everything.

So we finished watching that french movie and then watched another. Now I'm home and not ready for bed. I don't even know why I felt the need to write about all of that. Its boring if you weren't there, I think. Its like something for the other blog. The stuff we did. But that's the stuff I did and I was writing about it so I didn't write what I'm really thinking. What I'm really feeling.

Do you ever feel like you just can't say the same thing enough? Because I keep feeling it and telling my friends about it once doesn't even begin to cover the intensity in which the thing is affecting my life. And also, I don't like complicated things and things just seem to keep getting complicated.

There are things I wanted that I found I hated when they were in my hands.
There are things I never imagined I would need until I stumbled across them.
There are things I haven't found yet and am not willing to give up on.

I am a flawed creature, but I need someone to love me anyway. I need someone to search out the best parts of me and accept the worst. I need someone to open up and show me the best and worst of them too. Someone to laugh with. Someone to sing with. Someone who will go on adventures with me and grow with me and so many other things.

He has to be smart.
He must be happy.
And active.
And good with words. Because I need to be told. There are things I cannot read in facial expressions and causal touches and flirty remarks. I don't like hints and suggestions and games. I know those things are fun but I don't get it. I need him to tell me things. With words. Better for him to be blunt and alarmingly honest. But then I should be too.


But what if it hurts?

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