Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If this is a roller coaster, would you please hold my hand?

Back at the blog again. This usually means I haven't been saying what I'm thinking/feeling to the people I'm spending my time with. Uh-oh. I don't know if I want to fix that or not. Because really, I haven't figured out what I'm thinking/feeling enough to use words for it anyway.

But tonight when I said I was going to shut up because I was inarticulate, things turned out okay anyway.

I just wonder if everyone else has so much trouble figuring things out.
And I wonder how much more love I could possibly fit in my heart. Especially when love and fear are mixed in equal parts in my heart. I'm terrified to care so much because it seems no one ever cares at much as I do. And then when they seem to, I get nervous and back away. But letting people close means they can hurt you more. I think my heart needs healing.

As the tarot card reader told me, I need to learn to trust again. Trust myself. Trust other people.
I wonder if she had any idea how hard that would be. Because right now I'm willing to trust someone new and I'm completely and totally terrified. If this is a roller coaster, would you please hold my hand?

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