I worry that living here with these people is causing irreversible damage to my personality. That now somehow I will always be too much for another person to handle. I am damaged goods, right? But surely this isn't true. I know we all have our own secret horrible places that we think no one else could handle.
This is what I've learned:
No one else will take care of me. I am everyone's last priority. I shouldn't even begin to hope that I could trust someone with my care. I will worry about it all by myself. I got it. I don't need a hand. I don't need your help. I don't want to lean on a crutch that may suddenly disappear at any moment.
It doesn't matter when I'm upset. I'm probably causing a big fuss over nothing at all. I am ridiculous. I should just shut up and deal with whatever is going on because no one is going to change for me. I have to accept it for what it is. Even if "it" is a serious drug problem or illegal activities or hazardous to my health. Deal with it and stop complaining. Other people have it worse, right?
And everyone lies. People will tell me what they think I want to hear even it if is completely inaccurate. Even if the truth is going to come out very, very soon. Lying is a price worth paying for a few hours of silence. I don't deserve enough respect to be told the truth. They think I am too stupid to recognize the lies.
I shouldn't forget how much I have. Things like running water and toilet paper and food should never be taken for granted. Neither should things like feeling safe at night or having a place to live. I only remember this when suddenly these things are gone. Maybe if I were more grateful, I wouldn't lose so much all the time.
You have to love people as they are. Sometimes there are parts of people that are absolutely horrible. Parts you could never understand. Parts you don't know if you can handle. But you can't pick parts to love and parts to ignore. A person is a whole. Don't go in expecting change or improvement. Just accept and love and hope. That's all we can do. That's all we can hope for in return.
Disagreements are scary. They lead to screaming and slamming doors and throwing things and sometimes hitting. Its better to just leave. Its better to hide. Its better to scream into a pillow and pray the problems go away on their own.
Compartmentalize. I don't let the horror of one part of my life spill into another. Like floodgates. Keep it separate. Worrying and fretting and thinking over a problem fix nothing at all. Nothing gets better if I am sad about it all the time. So I'll forget about it until I get home. I'll let the joy of the moment fill me up as completely as possible. It doesn't matter what is happening at home when I'm not there.
I am strong. I don't care what assumptions people make when they see me. I don't care if they can't see past the surface. I am strong. I have survived every worst day of my life. I hold up under pressure. I find light in the darkness. I sing through the pain. I don't crumble; I am a better person for it.
This did make me feel better.