Sunday, August 30, 2009

Like that long, slow ride up a roller coaster.

I started three books and haven't finished them. I don't even want to .
My mind keep going back to the conversations last night. Spinning them round and round. Trying to uncover all the layers of what the words and facial expressions meant. What I said wrong.

I wish I could decide how to feel. That would be the best. Then I could stop putting my heart places where it shouldn't be.

I wonder how it feels when someone likes you back?

And I can't hurry the future. I want to be at the part where I'm at OTS. Or maybe the part where I'm finally sure of what to do with my life. Or the part where someone holds my hand like it belongs to them. Any of those parts, really.

I just want to go away. I don't think that would fix anything though. I think that part is going to hurt quite a bit.

I'm afraid to hope anymore. After that last time, I feel like there's nothing left in me that knows how to hope. I'm always making alternative plans in my head. Ways to survive if things don't go the way I want to it. I'm never all in now. Because last time, that hurt more than I have words for. Just thinking of it makes me feel sick and stupid and ashamed. How could I be foolish enough to hope for so much? All those made-up dreams in my head, those painted futures ran like water colors in the rain.

And I keep thinking of those little puzzles where you slide the pieces back and forth, up and down, around each other to rearrange the picture into its former order. Sometimes I'll get two or three pieces together and see a glimpse of the big picture but the location is all wrong. Its not time for that yet. And that's how I feel right now.

I'm seeing a couple pieces of my life slide into place. So nice. So comfortable. Just the way it should look. Just the way it should feel. But the rest is a mess. This can't be the time. This isn't the place. Its the only thing that makes any sense and so it can't stay. I'm going to have to tear the whole thing apart again until the whole thing makes sense. But I want it so much. Want so much to stop the construction. I want to cling to the part that seems safe. But if I do that, its going to hurt. Its like summertime or hot chocolate. I can't keep it. Even when I want it. Even when it isn't even mine to decide.

Its going to hurt so much. Because it already hurts now. Like drinking that hot chocolate too fast and burning my tongue. Its going to be so much worse later. I think. I don't know what to do. Because maybe everything will be okay. But I haven't seen these things end okay yet. I remember the violent explosions that come at the end of these things. Maybe a slow burn would hurt less?

I'm scared.

That's the word for it and its so hard to say. I'm scared and every single time I get close to someone I find reasons to back away. My mother even pointed this out to me the other day.

Round and round like watching the carnival rides with the blinking lights and flashing faces.

I'm scared and all I want to do is close in on myself and hope I've got all the vital parts protected for when the hurt comes. This is familiar. This is my pattern.

But I was brave. I opened up my mouth. I've been a stranger to me. A stranger I sometimes admire, other times I fear. I don't know what she's going to do next. I don't understand her motivations. But all this new stuff is exciting, even when its frightening. And I can't see the path ahead.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, it will all be okay in the end. Maybe it will dissolve naturally like a couple other times before. But still I see all kinds of sharp edges upon which I could cut myself. Lets see where this strange girl takes me. I'm not going to give into the fear. Not today, anyway.

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