Like Ren and Stimpy

Okay. I'm happy now.

Finals are coming. I'm happy.
Projects are piling up. I'm happy.
Things aren't going the way I planned. I'm happy.
No, I don't have everything I want. I'm happy.
No, everything isn't great. I'm happy.

And I just want to spend time with someone that won't take that away from me.

That Superchic(k) song seems so ironic now. . .

Today, I had new experiences. The one that stands out the most is standing out in the rain. I stood there in the rain until nothing was dry. I could feel the water trickling down my scalp. I couldn't see through my glasses because they were covered in water drops. I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. But waiting for the bus was faster than walking to the parking lot, and so I stood in the rain.

Second new experience happened in my car. I was wet, the coat I left in my car was dry. Yes, I took off my sweater and put on my coat, while in my car, while in the parking lot. But, the windows were all fogged up and no one was around.

Then, a text message sent to the wrong Sarah resulted in me learning how to knit. And it is so much faster than crocheting.

Now, I'm going to bed.

Bye!

Making connections: its what I do.

We discussed poetry in one of my classes today. I love to write poetry. I love to share my poetry. I love to write anything, really. And then it occurred to me, why on earth didn't I major in English or something?

I want to write, write, write until there are no more words left inside me. Then, I will read, read, read until I can't fit anything else in my head. Next, I'll turn on that great blender in my head, and repeat step one. Sounds glorious.

Until then, I'll share a poem with you because I want to and if you don't want to read it, well, go away.

Love you!

A thousand ways.

I used all the ink in this pen
then I filled it up again
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways

I spent all day with you
and then another too
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways

I held you close and kissed your hair
and then kept you prisoner there
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways

I've whispered all my dreams into your ears
I've wiped away a hundred tears
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways

I will watch movies you love
over and over and over
you can tell your favorite stories again
I will listen
we can eat your favorite foods
I will handle all your moods
I will be here when the smoke clears

this is how I will say
I love you
I love you
I love you
a thousand ways.

Sarah Jo

These tears are for me, because I miss you.

We buried my Grandma today. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. When it was my Grandpa, my moms dad, I didn't hurt like this. But, I didn't know him. I didn't eat Sunday dinner with him every week. I didn't listen to stories of him. No, he was the man that left donuts on the table for me when I stayed all night. I never saw him. Grandma was different. And I cried. I cried so much I thought I couldn't do it anymore. And my daddy held me tight until I let go of him and it was his mom that he lost. But he held me while I cried.

I hated the funeral service. The preacher talked about Jesus more than my Grandma. They sang hymns and yelled "Amen" and raised their hands and pounded on the pews. But no one mentioned the quiet support Grandma offered by just sitting next to you on the swing and patting your leg. No one said she never complained about anything or that she took care of my Grandpa so very well. No one mentioned how great she cooked or how many hours she spent on home-made blankets.

So I made a decision; when I die people should stand up there and talk about how wonderful I was. They should share funny stories and laugh through the tears. At the visitations, happy music should play, music that makes you smile while you cry. And I don't want to be buried. I don't want to take up any more room. No, let them have anything that could save somebody and cremate whats left. You can mix me with some soil and plant a tree. A tree that grows something edible. And then people could only bake sweet, good things from that tree. And even after I'm gone I'll make people happy. That's what should happen.

Those words are not enough.

Grandma stored snacks in her dishwasher.
She made the best mashed potato's I've ever had.
The relationship she had a with my Grandpa is a picture of what I want my future marriage to be.
Her relationship with God inspired me.
She told half of all those stories.
She sat out on the swing and watched Grandpa repair countless cars, waving that fan cut out of a cardboard box that read, "My baby's fan", giving Grandpa her opinions every once in a while.
She fought cancer for ten very long years.
Grandma fit more "stuff" in that apartment than I would ever dream possible. Grandpa says its a woman's job to fill all the empty spaces.
Grandma let Grandpa believe he was the boss.
Grandma argued with Grandpa with a grin on her face. I guess that doesn't count.
She said words like "yonder" and "holler".
And she never did say my name right.
Grandma tried to teach me how to make that cornbread, so my Daddy wouldn't have to go without it.
Grandma told me she was proud of me, that she never had to worry about me like my brothers.
She taught me how to crochet and she made me that blanket.
Grandma never wore pants.
She had more shoes and clothes than I've ever seen outside a store.
She liked candles, knick-knacks, and figurines.
Grandma only said, "I love you" when she had her arms around me.
She always thought we were leaving too soon.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her.

When it rains, it pours.

My grandma is dying. To be fair, she has been dying for a long time now, but I don't think she's going to make it through the night. Of course, that's what they said last night too. Mom and Dad and I stayed at her house all night last night, my parents are there again tonight. But, I have to go to school tomorrow and present a lesson. Christopher is in the bathroom crying so hard he's making himself sick. He is upset about grandma and then Dad yelled at him about something and Amber yelled at him about something. He doesn't want anyone to talk to him; I don't know what to do. I've already cried all day long. My eyes and my head hurt and I'm exhausted. I can't go to sleep until I take a shower and he's in there. . . Everyone is so stressed out and tired that we've been snapping at each other. I've been alone with no one to talk to for most of the weekend. I hate being alone.

And now my check engine light is on and I don't know whats wrong with the car but I don't feel safe driving the 25 miles to school and back again if I don't know whats wrong.

And I don't love kindergarten like I thought I would and I don't know if its just kindergarten or teaching all together. I hope its just the grade level because, if not, I've wasted three years and twenty thousand dollars.

And with stuff going wrong with my car, I have to pay for these things but I'm not making any more money so my savings account is getting lower and lower and lower. I have to take summer school if I'm going to graduate on time but I won't be able to pay for it without emptying my savings account.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to hide in my room until everything is better again. I want to go back to summer time. I want to be happy again.

I don't have time for this. I've got so much homework to do and I can't miss a day of field experience but I can't miss the funeral either, but most of all I just want my grandma to stop hurting so much.

Even when I sleep I have dreams about getting lost and never finding my way home again.

But, on the bright side, at least we have running water again. . .

My newest cousin, Ryan:

I lost my happy sometime in September.

I was thinking that its high time I posted something happy, but then, I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I keep thinking if I keep smiling things will get better, but its November and I still hate this semester and I still can't work enough and I'm still feeling emotionally, physically, and financially drained. I've cried everyday for a week. Today I got a migraine that hurt so much it made me nauseous. I keep getting fever blisters in my mouth because I'm so stressed all the time. So, if you are wondering why I don't call you or why I don't come over its because I am barely making it through each day taking care of my responsibilities.

I'm going to bed now.

The first day, a child threw up on his desk. It went downhill from there.

I'm tired. I started field experience this week so I'm in a classroom from about 8-5 each day. I decided I don't want to teach kindergarten. I don't know if I even want to teach at all. But, I don't know what else I would do and I feel confused and worried and tired. I just want to sleep.

One day I'll go away and never come back.

I am all kinds of upset right now. So, if you will allow me to, I will vent.

You ask me what I want you to do about it.
I want you to take responsibility for your actions and choices.
I want you to be the parent.
I want you to support me.
I want you to turn back time until I no longer know what its like to go a week, no, even one night without running water or electricity.
I want you to pay your bills on time, before things get shut off.
I want you to make this a place I can live, so I can come home.
Thats what I want you to do.

I'm tired. I'm tired of driving hours everyday. I'm tired of doing my homework here and going someplace else to use the bathroom, shower, and sleep. I'm tired of eating out becasue the options in our kitchen are ravioli and peanut butter. I'm tired of being upset, dissapointed, and mad. I'm tired of watching you both drink and smoke while we flush the toilet with a bucket of water from your brothers house. I'm tired of being torn because I can't live here and I hate being a guest in someone elses house. I'm tired of your apathy. "What do you want me to do about it?" What do I want you to do about it?!?!?

This happens over and over again. I think its getting better, then everything goes downhill again. Whats going on here? I can't wait to move out but I cant do that until I graduate. I don't want to move in with my aunts, I would foverer be a guest, it would never be home. If I quit school, I will have the same life my parents have lived and I refuse to continue this way. I just feel like I'm trying my best to make a life for myself and I have no support. I feel like I'm going to topple over any minute and there will be nothing there to stop me. My parents act like I'm over-reacting, like they have no idea why I'm so upset.

That must be it. I'm over-reacting. I'm a completely irrational fool.

Boredom gives birth to:

Well, here I am again with time before my next class. Too much time to actually go there and not enough to do anything with.

Hey, did you know that today is World Pasta Day? It totally is. The End.

I should do homework now.

Yeah.

*Click* Click? *Click*

Nika's wedding was today. This morning, I packed all of my stuff out to my car, got inside and turned the key. *click* Click? *click* It's not supposed to click. Its supposed to "vroom". Today? Come on, today? So, I went inside and hauled my father out of bed. He said it must be the battery. He then tries to jump my car and you know what it does? *click click click* What is that? We don't know. I called Nika and she sent someone to fetch me. I left my dad my keys and my credit card and asked him to fix it, somehow, before I had to go to school tomorrow. He did.

Apparently, the battery died. No, not run out of battery happy, but went bad or something. New battery, car works. Thats all I need to know. And it could have been so much worse, like me alone at Oxford.

And now I'm ready for bed. I just wanted to share the car drama.

The Hollow Kingdom makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

So then, (then being last night) Wait! How many times have I started off a post with "So. . ." ? Its like I'm always staring in the middle of a conversation.

Last night, I dreamed I was walking along a road and I was weighed down by something that made every single step was a challenge. And I couldn't even see where I was going because I kept looking back at where I had been.
But then, *end bad dream* the road turned into a Forrest, the day into night, it started raining an icy rain and I was kidnapped by goblins. . . handsome goblins.

That's all I had to say. Unless you wanted to hear about how sleepy I am or how much homework I have. No, I didn't think so.

Love you!

I keep thinking about fun things we did before September.

I spent the whole day in bed. Okay, I did leave it for a while, but mostly. . . I guess that an evening of allergy-attack, and then crying caused my entire head to explode in confusion. This morning, my eyes were swollen, my ears and throat hurt, I had two blisters on my mouth, and I had a headache. Upon discovering all this, I decided to roll over and go back to sleep. That wasn't confusing at all.

But I'm okay now, well, minus the fever blisters.

I'm feeling lonely. I'm so busy with school and work and tutoring. I come home from school exhausted. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere when I'm not at school or work, but I have to go to the library and I have to do my homework and I have to make lesson plans. And more recently, I have to study for midterms, I have to work on group projects, I have to plan for field experience, I have to figure out my schedule. So, when I do have time to do nothing (and I'm not sick), I don't want to go out with friends. I don't have any money, I only work 12 hours a week. What could I do that doesn't cost money? Where could I drive that doesn't waste too much gas? And who would want to spend time with me when I don't call anyone, I don't talk to anyone? I'm feeling lonely.

I'm tired of worrying about things. I worry about everything, like worrying ever made anything better. Worrying is exhausting. I wish I could decide to stop. I know everything always works out in the end, but I can't help but worry that its not going to work this time. . .

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to get to this cabin on a hill. I knew that once I got to that cabin, I could relax. So, I started climbing this hill. It kept getting steeper and steeper and I could not longer walk because every step landed in the same place as I slid backward, so I crawled and eventually there were handholds because it was so steep and the concrete was so slick and then it was a wall and I couldn't climb anymore. It was a water-slide and I was falling, tumbling, sliding back down to the bottom again. And I was thinking, I can't do that again. I can't do that again. I'm tired. I can't do that again.

And I woke up all gross and fever-blistery.

Good morning.