Eww, you have shark breath.

I'm grumpy. I didn't get what I wanted. I wanted to go to the haunted hay ride, and I wanted to do so with my parents. Not with my brother. Not with my brother and his friends. Not with my friends. Not by myself. I wanted to go do something fun with my parents. And they wouldn't go. So, Im just going to sit here and pout and wrinkle my brow instead of doing the mature thing like compromising.

He took all the broken bits of glass and made something beautiful.

I wish these feelings were reciprocal. And I want always to be happy with me. I hate how embarrassed and awkward I feel at times. I would like to see your face now. I hope that tomorrow turns out better than I expect. I need security and reassurance. I like how you give that to me. I see all my flaws when I look in the mirror. I fear that you see them too. I am tired of being so passive and compliant. I will try to speak up more often. Im still terribly afraid of guys. I feel more comfortable around guys that are not "hot." I am picky about little things like squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom and where things go. I feel irritated and unimportant when I talk and no one listens. Most often, the thing I want the most is the very thing I fear. I remember what people say better than names and birthdays and events. I couldn't tell you what color eyes you have. But the way you make me feel, oh, I certainly remember that. I really do.

El Pollo Loco esta bialando el tango con tu novio y tu madre en la biblioteca.

I really don't have much to say, just avoiding math homework.

I got angry today and found my solace in Walmart. I seem to go there or the library when I get mad. I bought some stuff. Small stuff. Like Q-tips and fluoride mouthwash. Now my teeth will be stronger than ever! Heh.

I still harbor lingering tendrils of anger. This makes me want to listen to loud music and pout, but I will not. I should probably do my homework. I do have to work tonight and class is early in the morning. This is funny, me telling me to do something.

I'm sleepy. I did not sleep so well last night. I kept waking up with the nagging feeling that I ought to be doing something, I could not decide for the life of me what that something was. So I looked at the clock, again and again.

I have been avoiding me lately. This trend of introspection I began has started to scare me. But the alternative is scary too.

There are so many other things I should be doing.
I would rather be talking to anyone just now.
Anyone.

Prelude to Goodbye

I love you.
God, how I love you.
And how many times
I didn't say it.

Your so beautiful.
Did I say that to you?
Do you truly understand
how beautiful you are?

Remember that time?
Man, those times
were awesome.
I wish we could go back
a day or two.

Think of all we haven't done
all those things we were going to do
someday
someday.

I love you.
God, how I love you.

Let me just hold your hand.
Lets just sit here awhile.
Sit and just be together.

I wanted to thank you.
Thank you so much for everything.
I wouldn't be me without you.

Oh, oh, how I love you.
How very much I need you.

For Grandpa

When I say RENEGADE, you say PRIDE.

Um, my emotional processor is out to lunch. Or vacation.

Happiness. Definite happiness. And then other stuff. Too complicated to go into, I suppose. Just confusion.

If everything went the way I planned, I wouldn't know what to plan anyhow.

Im just a jumble of stuff today.

Always, with joy.

Leaves crunching underfoot
and the certainty for once
that you love me.

May be complete happiness
in forever
and always.

And my fingertips
are not cold
like usual
because I touched you
and the heat of it
lingers there.

Renders my heart
alive again
when I thought
all feeling had passed
from it.

My breathe doesn't come so easily
when you are near.

And maybe I feel
beautiful
for once.

Misguided, maybe
but always
always
with joy.

That Fish Looks Like Angelina Jolie!

The toilet broke. Again. stupid humanity.
Just thought I would share that with you. Gnight.

Proud Owner: The Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind.

Ashley came over today and we planned our schedules and stuff. Now, I just have to hurry and sign up for them before one of my classes fills up. I sure hope they don't, because then I would be really mad.
My schedule for next semester as of today:
Monday: No classes
Tuesday: in school from 8:30 till 1:20
Wednesday: No classes
Thursday:8:30-11:15 then 4:00 till 9:40
Friday: No Classes
Saturday: 8:30 to 12:00

All in all, I would say that this looks pretty awesome. I am taking 17 credit hours. That's 5 more credit hours than this semester. Can I handle it? We will see, won't we?

I watched Fahrenheit 9/11 today. It did not affect the way I was going to vote, though. Mostly because I was going to vote for Kerry anyhow. I decided this, oh, about three days ago. Yeah, I took it upon myself to actually look up the issues.

I feel so frustrated, but it would take a really long time to explain it to you and then even if you cared enough to listen to me that long you probably would not understand anymore anyway, so I will just say that I am frustrated with America. Maybe I will move to Canada. No, I like Middletown. Maybe I will rally for the annexation of Ohio by Canada. Yeah, that sounds good.

I cannot figure out what is going on with the RK book. I suppose this will be a lesson in patience.

I almost did my homework today. And then didn't.

I did accomplish something anyhow.

I want the referrals to come. Right now.

Well, I must go bathe myself.

Oh, oh! I ran out of the shampoo Connie got me for graduation (the stuff that smelled soo good.) I looked it up online but I only found it in the liter bottles and they were 20 dollars a bottle plus another 10 for shipping. I sure didn't like it that much. I wonder where I could buy it at? Its like a salon-y type shampoo. Mmmm coconut. Sadness :{

Um, oh yes, I was going to go do something productive.

L.A.O.I.S

Bathhouse John and Princess Alice the elephant/alcoholic.

I just crawled out of bed. Ug. When I got back home tonight, I had a horrible headache. I went upstairs and just enjoyed the darkness and my bed. I might have cried if I didn't think it would only make my head worse. My mom came upstairs with water and advil at one point. She felt my head and babied me. I sure love that woman.

I was going to do my homework but I feel that building pressure in my sinuses again. I think Ill go back to bed. History can wait till tomorrow.

To use an archaic term: Wishing you were my beau.

We are not the same
you and me
as much as I
pretend to be.

I crush myself
into this mold
but this foreign shape
would never hold.

These poems that rhyme
feel so elementary
I suppose that was my
point of entry

And So I despise
every word that I write
making my poetry
soul - less and trite.

I was going to share something
a moment ago
maybe a complex way
of wishing you were my beau.

But as I have learned
words accomplish little
leaving me feeling
diluted and brittle.

As always, I'll leave you
with pieces of me
that may very much resemble
discarded, disturbing, debris.

I'm pretty sure he is just talking to himself.

People are weird.

And, on to a different subject. I signed up to take the Praxis exam today. Pretty sure it cost me $120. Ug. Anyway, so I have to go to Dayton at 7:30 in the morning on Oct. 20th to take the test for hours and hours to see if I am fit be a teacher. Im not too worried. Im just mad about the cost, geez.

Now, I just have to work with children for 100 hours and I'll have all my requirements met outside of class for the cohort. (Its okay if you understand none of this.)

And I need to make a lesson plan. Then Ill be done with all the stuff I have been avoiding.

And then Ill be happier. I hope.

So she vacuumed.

Work today wore me out, but some not-strangers came in today and that was nice.

I guess my exam is tomorrow then.

I cant wait for Oct. 13th.

I was so sick last night. I am never eating at White Castle again. Ever.

So, apparently my idea of clean clashes with my mothers because she cleaned my room today. I kinda left off the whole dusting/vacuuming part. My idea of clean is to organize the giant piles of paper that seem so accumulate here. And the clothes. Mountains and mountains of clothes, but mostly paper. What kind of paper you say? Bills, bank statements, student loan paperwork, schedules, and other grown up stuff. And then random bits of poetry, websites I wrote down, lists of things like books to read, things to buy with my next paycheck, things to do. Receipts from paying bills and buying stuff. Business cards. My voter registration card. Concert ticket stubs and programs. Name-tag sticker things for some reason? Invitations for friends and family night at the bug, homework. . . I could really keep going, but I see you are getting bored.

So she vacuumed. Its funny, we have to turn the computers off before we vacuum upstairs or we blow a breaker. How funny is that? Consequently, we don't vacuum up here very much.

Um. . .

I am slowly moving toward independence. I wish I had my own bathroom. I buy my own toothpaste, soap, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, and other bathroom junk, because White Rain and dollar general brand soap just aren't for me anymore. My brother is just such a slob. If I had my own bathroom then I wouldn't have to worry about why the hand towel was crunchy or what that liquid on the toilet seat is. Eww, I know.

I said this to my father earlier and he got mad. He told me to appreciate what I already have, and I suppose he is right. I am just feeling ready to live on my own and not feeling ready to live on my own. And its confusing and it makes me restless.

I want things to be mine. I want to own things. I want to be responsible for something. Like my car. I own my car. The title is in my name and I like it much. I pay for my own insurance and oil changes and repairs and I like this because I can say, "No, you cannot borrow my car." and no one can "ground" me from it or anything. It is mine.

And I pay my own internet and phone bill. (The latter doesn't even serve a purpose.) But I do not have to worry about my parents saying that they cannot afford the internet this month or anything. I pay for it. I decided to get DSL. And its awesome. And its so worth it. And I do not have to fight about how long I tie up the phone line being on the internet, DSL doesn't use the phone, but I have my own line should I want it.

These things make me content, but I always want more. I want to be an adult, but I am not ready for it. First, I cant afford to live on my own, still being in school. And second, I cant live by myself. I need people. I need my family. (Although it is so awesome when it is just me in the house all day.)

Mom told me that we may move after Christmas. Of course, they say about every six months that we will be moving soon, but I have mixed feelings about this. I like it here. My room is HUGE. And if we move, it might not be. I like Middletown, and if we move, it might be Carlisle. But then, we may just move into a bigger house in Middletown and I might get a bedroom with its own bathroom. (I always get the master bedroom, I am SO spoiled.) I guess, as usual, We will see what we see.

Im still worried about the concert date.
Im so broke all the time.
Well, all my bills are paid.
And I buy lots of junk too.
Like concert tickets.
And CD's.
And books.
On eBay.
Because I love eBay.
And Amazon.
And Relient K.
And you too.

Well, I need to stop not studying.

I forgot I even had that!

I cleaned my room today. This always makes me feel refreshed, relieved.

Yeah, the potato festival was pretty boring, but I enjoyed spending time with my brother and my dad. We laughed all the way there talking about memories. That was nice. =)

I think the math test was pretty easy.

Well, I guess Ill go downstairs. I wanna do something, go somewhere, see someone.

Good day.

That picture was called "Don't hurt me."

Do you hate the new picture? Should I change it, cus Ashley laughed at it (really loud) and now I feel all self-concious. I liked it but. . . thats me. I'll change it if no one likes it. Yeah. That would require you talking to me.

So, I am not in a very good mood, and I havent been all night long either. I am just stressed out, I guess. Oh well. Test in the morning, then potato festival. Um, and I need to go to hope house again, maybe Tuesday? Hmm. We will see.

And Im glad that I did not go to the trail tonight because I am so tired and grumpy. And broke. Always broke. But I was good, you see. I paid my car insurance bill almost a month early so I would have money to spend at the concert.

The referral didn't come in and that makes me sad. I want to see pictures of the new baby, whatever her name is. I sure hope she's healthy. We will be there soon enough, sweethart!

And there were little children in Fashion Bug today and I just wanted to hold their little hands and talk to them. *sigh*

And I keep talking about the darn book I finished reading. I need to slowly extracate myself from the world of fiction in my head. There are just so many other places I would rather be, I guess.

The Tendu remind me of the Piggies. Just a thought.

And I cannot remember the name for the little. . . I do remember! I will be drifting in a world of fiction where allu-a and aui actually exist. And everybody lived happily forever after.

 

A reassuring blue.

In the book I am reading, the aliens turn colors for different emotions, like an all-over mood ring. I think that's awesome and scary. I guess I wouldn't want to be so transparent most of the time.That would be so vulnerable, I think. Not being able to hide anger, embarrassment, attraction, or anything. Wow. I have mastered hiding these things, I think. I call this lying. And I lie all the time. Heh.

Its funny though. Pink is excitement and brown is embarrassment. Its funny because I would be looking quite excited with spots of embarrassment all over! Oh, and Red is angry, so my hair would not know weather it was angry or embarrassed. That's funny. Well, I might as well tell you the rest. Gray is sad/dejected/disappointed/hurt. Green is pleased. Turquoise is really pleased, like when you eat a good food or find something you really like. Blue is reassuring and warm, happy feelings. Orange is fear. Silver is the color of death. Yeah, I think that's all, right? My eyes would be a reassuring blue, I guess. Gold is the color of arousal. I just remembered that one.

Hey, I wonder what black is? Or purple? Yellow? Hmm.

Anyway, I have known people who could read me like a Tendu.
And I think all us humans need allu-a.
I would like that, and be scared of it. Yeah.

Well, Im going to continue not doing my homework, and read the rest of my book. I've got like five pages left!
And I'm going to be sad when its over, but there is a second book called Through Alien Eyes. Ill havta buy it, I'm sure.
Oh, the book I am reading now is called The Color of Distance. That reminds me of Eng 112 last year: What is beyond the earth? The color of memory. I really liked that class. I want to take creative writing. I so do.

Well, until I see you again. . .