I spent most of the day reading. I felt vaguely guilty about ignoring the lovely weather outside. And also about being so inactive. And also about being so unsocial.
I spent several days staying up too late and getting up too early. One day at work was so bad that I cried at the end of the day. And I got to see all kinds of people that I like and love over several days and so today I just felt like hiding in my room.
Now, I can pretend that it doesn't bother me at all. I can stop mentioning it and keep it a secret. But I'm not going to.
Because last year on this day I was with Jeremy. And I don't remember much about the day except that we played with fireworks on the back porch and I heard stories about him hurting himself with fireworks as a child. We lit bottle rockets in our hands and threw them into the air.
But today I spent alone. And he was hours away. And I don't know if he misses me like I miss him. I think it's different for guys. But I would like to hear it all the same. Just to make me feel like I matter enough to miss. Today he texted me to tell me that he misses my intelligence. I told him it didn't go anywhere. I wanted to add, "but you did." to that text but I knew it was cruel. He didn't leave me. He just left. And I want all kinds of good things for him, but I'm selfish. I wish he could be happy and successful and near me all at the same time.
It is all for the best, I suppose. It is what I keep hearing. And what I keep telling myself. Because obviously, no matter how many times I tell myself that he is my best guy-friend and of course I love him for that and THAT is why I miss him so, I know it isn't exactly right. He can be on the other side of Ohio or the other side of town and I will still struggle with the part of me that has always wanted him to be more than just my friend.
And that is never, never what he wants.
He isn't the one for me. He isn't my "person". But he knows how to make my heart race and how to make me feel beautiful and exactly how to take me off-guard. And I'm lonely. And impatient.
But more than all of that. I miss him.
I want to hear him laugh. And I miss the silly little songs he makes up and the way he dances. I want to watch him play a beat on his steering wheel. I miss the way he smells and the way my name sounds when hes says it. I want to watch him smoke his pipe against a curtain of stars while we sit in front of a fire. See his face get all animated as he tells me about something that excites or angers him. Let him say something insensitive or mean just so he can flounder around to fix it. See him smile. I want him to pinch my calves as I walk up the stairs in front of him. Give me a little push when he walks past. I want a hug. The kind where he pulls me closer till I feel like I'm falling but he has me in his arms.
I want to stop wanting all these things. To go on with my day and my week without worrying if he is happy or if he is forgetting about me. I want to be free of it. Almost as much as I want him here with me. Almost.
He'll be gone long enough that I'll forget how much I enjoy watching movies with him because he always adds his own commentary and occasionally ignores the film to watch me watching it. I'll forget about the way he opens doors for me. Forget how his compliments seem like treasures to me. Forget how much fun I have arguing with him. And it won't seem sad to me then, the forgetting. Because all things come to an end. To make room for better things. Healthier things.
But I haven't forgotten yet.