Monday, July 19, 2010

Double rainbow all the way across the sky!

This weekend seemed like a blur of activity. Actually, the whole week felt that way.

Friday night I went over to Rachel's after work and we made dinner together with Robbie and then edited some video we shot earlier in the week. We made a music video for Jerimih's "Birthday Sex" for Emily's birthday. It took much longer to edit than we expected, but it was worth it.

Saturday Jeremy was in town long enough to get his things for his new apartment and I got to see him for a short while. He brought his friend Kari from Salem, who I've been hearing a lot about. It was interesting. I'm not sure if  it was good interesting or bad interesting. Then I left and swam for a bit before meeting up with friends to see Inception. We were hungry after the movie and decided to stop at Waffle House for some food. This Waffle House happened to be located near a Hustler store. I suggested we go. No one argued. We went. Fun ensued.

Today I went to Kenwood area with Johnna before going to the gym, swimming, then heading to the comedy club with Johnna, Katy, and Christine. Johnna and Katy came in and we shared our favorite youtube videos with one another and after they left I talked to Jeremy on the phone and drank cider.

That was the what-I've-been-doing portion of this post. Following, you will find the how-I'm-feeling portion. Enjoy.

On the way home from the comedy club Katy and Johnna talked about their respective boyfriends. And I'm going to be honest (because I nearly always am) and say that I'm jealous. I want to be dating someone. Even if it turns out all wrong. Just to do the get-to-know-you dance. To kiss someone. To laugh and dance and feel awkward and feel relieved. To start feeling connected to another person and then get all confused when they don't match the picture I've built of them and then I have to re-assess. And perhaps to get closer to finding the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.

Kari mentioned that she and Jeremy were discussing getting Billy and me to move to Salem. Of course I won't go. That is asking me to leave behind far too much for too little return. With Jeremy, I always feel a little bit like I'm walking through the woods in the dark. I can't see the path and I just might trip over something or step into a hole in the blackness. I need something a little more certain to just up and leave everything and everyone.

I would leave everything and everyone. For someone. For someone that I thought of things in terms of "us". When it was always our life and our apartment and our plans. But not for a friend.

Especially not this particular situation. I love him and want to be near him, but my rational mind knows that I need space. I need to learn to now want things from him that he doesn't want from me. I can say this move was a good thing. And I can say that I know it is better for me that he isn't near. But it doesn't feel that way.

It would be truly awful for me if I followed him there. Changed my life for him. He would be my only friend. My only person. And I would be stuck teetering there on that line between friendship and something more, struggling as he asks me to be one thing but then sometimes treats me like the other.

So it made me a little angry to hear that. Coming from her especially. I should move there, she says. I would be miserable.

I'm so happy here. I have so many friends that I love and they love me. Healthy relationships. People that say they love me when I say that to them. And I would leave it all behind one day. But not like this.

Sometimes I wish things were simpler. But then the complications seem to make life interesting. And it helps me learn and grow. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I'm having fun trying to find them.

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