Thursday, December 24, 2009

Who knows? It might all turn out wonderful in the end.

Project brother feelings is failing miserably too. As a good friend already predicted/suspected. I'm not sure what else I should or can say about that. Except that I know this could come to some kind of horrible end, but I can't make myself spend any less time or attention. I don't want to. Spending time with him is my favorite thing to do. Even if he could never feel for me the way I feel for him. Even if he never wants to be anything more than my best friend. I love him and I don't want anything less than everything he is willing to give me. It could turn out so, so bad. But I can't stop the part of my mind that builds these invisible futures where everything happens the way I want it to. But I remember how much crushed hopes hurt. So I try not to let them grow. And I'm not even willing to spell them out here. Better not to want anything at all, than to want things you can never, ever have.

I was doing a good job there for awhile. But then he says little things that chip away at the wall I was trying to put up. He looks at me a certain way and I start wondering if it means something more. He touches me casually and my heart starts racing. And I know in my mind that I want someone who lets me know that they want me too, without question or hesitation or games. But then I'm in the room with him and I don't care what I thought I wanted before. He is my favorite person and I like it when I don't know what that look means or what he is going to do now that he has my foot between his hands. It makes me nervous and confused and... happy.

And sometimes I wonder if he is doing it on purpose and then telling Billy how easy I am to manipulate and then they both have a good laugh at my expense. And think that I'm ridiculous and sad. Pathetic.

But I'm not.

I just love openly and honestly. Even when I know it might hurt me later. If this is going to hurt later, I don't ever, ever want to get to later. But there is nothing I am currently willing to do to stop now. Pathetic.

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