Sunday, December 06, 2009

Someday though, it will all be okay.

I don't know how to care about you any less than I do now. I don't know how to be anyone other than who I am and who I am loves you a ridiculous amount. Who I am is able to forgive you over and over again. Who I am is getting better and better at not letting you see how much you hurt me because I know that it would hurt you to see it.

As a human being, I get to reinvent myself with every rising sun. Or more frequently than that. Every breath we get to choose who we want to be. Usually we just keep being the familiar thing we are used to. It is easier. It is safer. Every once in a while something comes along that knocks us off our present path. Or maybe it is a subtle wind that causes us to bear ever-so-slightly to the right until eventually we are someplace we never planned to go.

I think you were a subtle wind for me. And then you just plowed me right off the path. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

And I love you. Oh, how I love you. I don't think telling you with words is working well enough. I don't think my free time and attention and care are making a bold enough statement. Or maybe they are and I just look ridiculous to you. Because you don't care for me so much. You couldn't. You don't.

So despite how much I love you, I have decided it would be best for me if I created some space between us. I don't think you'll notice, so it won't hurt for you. But I have this problem: I don't know how to care for you less. I don't know how to think of you less often or not worry about you so much. I don't know how to reign in my stray thoughts so that they don't wander your direction.

Because when I don't see you it weighs heavier on my heart than when I get to see you several times a week. And when I don't text you I'm just wondering if maybe you'll want to text me this time. And when I DO see you, despite my best efforts, I fall easily into that person that absolutely loves you. No matter what.

My conclusion:

I'm not going to ever be able to tell you goodbye. The very thought of that makes me hurt in ways I haven't learned the words for. I'm going to keep reaching out to you even if/when it becomes obvious that I should maybe stop trying. So if you don't want my love and time and attention, you are going to have to be the one to walk away. And I really hope you don't, because that would be something to survive, not something to get over.

I know all of this might come off as sort of desperate and pathetic. Think of me that way if you must. But I'm trying to be the one that will always be there. I'm trying to be that unconditional love I keep hoping to find somewhere. I'm trying to be as forgiving and accepting as I need someone to be for me.

I know you love me. And I know you love me less than the things pulling you away from me. I'm just saying that I can't love you less for that, even if I should.

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