Wednesday, December 02, 2009


I'm going to write though I have nothing particular planned to say. Just this awareness that my blogging lately has sucked. Okay, everything in my life lately has kind of suffered from my lack of attention.

I could talk about work, because I've been at one place or another at least 70 hours a week. But I've been living for those few hours between work and sleep. Let me talk about those.

So I had a crush on my best guy friend. I think these things probably happen a lot between men and women. And then he told me he liked my other friend. Well that sucked. More than I thought it would. And not in a oh-no-he-doesn't-like-me kind of way because I already knew that part. It was the excitement in his face when he talked about her and the horrifying realization that no one has ever, ever looked like that for me. And the wonder if anyone ever, ever will.

Well, and, it DOES suck to not have feelings reciprocated. I'm not going to lie about that one.

After I got over that particular event and all the associated feelings, I decided that he needed to be moved quickly and permanently to the "brother" category. For my sanity. For our relationship. For the good of everyone involved.

Yeah, so thats easier said than done.
Totally working on it.

I can't tell you how much better this feels. Now it feels much more okay to tell him how I love him. Maybe I feel less misinterpreted. But I do love him in a similar way that I love my brother. Maybe less because I know my brother better and longer and we have so much in common and so many good memories. Maybe more because I see my best guy friend more often and he disappoints me much, much less and he is a brother I choose to have.

And it feels more permanent to me. Like when he starts dating someone I'll definitely see less of him because he will, of course, want to see her as often as possible. But that won't mean that our relationship is over. It is a forever thing. Elastic enough to absorb the changes.

I feel like I have more power. Or more ground. Like I don't need to worry so much over not making him mad or not letting him see me grumpy or ugly or unhappy. He doesn't need to be attracted to me, he just needs to love me for who I am and accept the ugly parts too.

I'm not so preoccupied with his physical self. How near he is or how often he touches me or how often he looks at me. These things still matter, of course. Especially hugs. Hugs are IMPORTANT. But I don't feel like he is a second source of gravity and my attention keeps falling into orbit around him.

And I love him all the more for it. For the things he has taught me; the things he meant and the things I think he never planned and doesn't even know about. And now that I'm learning to slowly erase all the stupid extra stuff floating around in my head, I can see even more details of who he is. My favorite man.

Sometimes he makes me smile all goofy because of a text message. Sometimes he disappoints me. Sometimes I feel like the only safe place left in the world in right next to him. Sometimes I think he has no idea that he is hurting me. But I like nearly all of his moods and can accept the ones I don't care for so much. He listens and shares. He smiles and laughs and gets quiet and sings and rants and raves and dances. He is consistent and inconsistent. Sometimes I understand parts of him and then later I'm baffled. He challenges and affirms me. He pushes me to the edge of my comfort zone. Sometimes he makes me mad. He makes me want to listen to every story and somehow be for him as many wonderful things as he is for me. I want so many things for him. Things that will make him happy and healthy and whole and so, so, so, happy.

And I miss him. This is what working so much has affected the most. Less time for him. I've seen my girl-friends a lot. But I miss this one. My favorite man.

On another note, I just realized that I worked out today in a sleeveless shirt and there is black lint from my previous shirt stuck to my deodorant. Kind of looks like I have black armpit hair growing in little patches. I wonder what ladies at the gym thought? They probably didn't even notice me. Thats what I'll say.

Goodness I'm tired!

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